"Adventure Time: come on, grab your friends. We'll go to very distant lands." That's what they want you to think. But let me tell you something: it's all a mirage. Kinda like gracefully losing your virginity before the age of 35. Especially to someone who ain't a tiny titted freakshow who rambles on Tumblr all day about checking its imaginary 'privilege' against an Excel-based chart that awards you 50 privilege points for not owning a VCR. And I do mean 'its.' It's from another planet, you know. Like all Native American peoples are. So give up. Use your hand. Stick that cucumber in your ass 'til it turns blue, if you gotta. Houdini died of AIDS?
As you may or may not know, but I know because I'm the smartest person who ever lived, Adventure Time takes place on the same planet as our planet Earth. They even had an episode in which it was revealed to be more than just some theory, unlike the shit you read about on those creepypasta wikis... you know, the ones that always involve the main character being in a coma and dreaming up the whole tv show or video game series... in other words, this was the obvious, albeit shocking, truth. It's like how Chuck from Happy Days returned, as the prophecy foretold, but as a villain, and how Billy Warlock is indeed an actual Warlock. Peace be unto Him.
Adventure Time takes place on a post-apocalyptic Earth. There was a Great Mushroom War, as they called it, and everybody died, or at least was horribly mutated into unimaginable beasts. The planet Earth got stuck with the zany antics of fucked up looking creatures that are supposed to be humanoidish beings, and dogs with the voice of the robot Bender from Futurama, as well as horses with sharp cones on their heads that may as well have been glued on, though given that glue comes from horses' hooves, that's just cruel, now isn't it? All of these freaks of nature were mutations of post-apocalyptic nuclear radiation. It was exactly the sort of thing that should've been watched on a children's television cartoon program... NOT!
To make matters worse, the main character of the Adventure Time program is a nasty bastard known as the Ice King, unless you count the boy and his dog but I don't because I am an ice king myself. I froze myself in a convenience store freezer once, but I woke up one day because--you'll love this--there was a nuclear explosion in the real world, and everybody died in it except for me. Luckily, this meant that a lifetime supply of Icees, hot dogs, carbonated beverages and Doritos Loaded were now in my possession, so as long as I kept the store's front door closed I'd be sanctuaried from zombie attacks. I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not as selfish as you may have assumed: I tried sticking the corpse of Ishbu, the store manager, into a giant shoe box that used to house Air Putin Nike sneakers, and I poked holes in it, but that didn't bring him back to life at all. Furthermore, it made his corpse bleed and smell more, so I gave up all hope on him and went into the backroom to turn on the CRT tube powered black and white television.
Because you know how my life works by now, you may have guessed that there was a VHS tape somewhere back there. And you'd be fucking retarded if that's what you guessed. Seriously, I absolutely never re-do shit in my life. George Jetson. Gay sasquatches. Bob Saget. Begging Schizima with hard drugs to write me more stories, even though he'd rather advance his real life careerpath instead. In fact, there were only... mushrooms back there. Tall mushrooms. Violet mushrooms, with a skull and crossbones on them. I figured this had something to do with the Great Mushroom War, and how it apparently happened in real life now too, but I was really bored from being frozen for several hundred years. So, I did what any other responsible adult would do: I popped some of the fungi into my mouth, and chewed it up like Ming Li.
Now, I didn't know it at the time, but it turned out there was a tiny cerebral camera planted inside one of the purple mushrooms I had eaten, which could record my thoughts as if they were a lost episode of Adventure Time.
And that was when I had a vision.
Of the lost episode... of Adventure Time.
There were two medieval looking towers. A magical carpet was being flown into one of them by a suspicious looking man in a purple turban. As it collided, the towers blew up from the impact. Highly realistic gore flew everywhere. Smoke emerged that looked like the face of pig Gannon from the Legend of Zelda cartoon series. The people assumed this attack was a monarchical conspiracy engineered by King Harkinian of Hyrule. He ordered Burger King for everyone and they stopped thinking about it. Sheeple.
In the next vision, I was in the magical land of Ooo: just like the main characters from the hit television program. I was wearing a used, or rather, pre-owned blue t-shirt with a mustard stain on it, and dark navy sweatpants that I confiscated from a Goodwill bin that some Japanese guy used to call home. I had a green backpack strapped to my back, and it contained a smashed-up pizza and a letter in chickenscratch, which read "Did I do that?". More importantly, a real fucking badass sword was stored somewhere back there, but it was covered in melted cheese and probably expired pizza sauce. I won't hesitate to admit that I licked the sword as a meal, and it slashed open a few of my teeth, decimating the perfect record I had of zero cavities in my entire lifetime. I figured I could just buy dentures, but that was assuming I would survive the hallucination and make it back to the real planet Earth.
With my inventory gathered, I did what any other jRPG warrior would do in the situation I had found myself stuck in. I looked around. To the north, there were mountains made of what appeared to be vanilla bean ice cream. To the south, it looked like some sort of complicated sewage system that was inhabited by a freshly evolved cockroach people--which made sense, given that cockroaches are the one species engineered by nature to survive nuclear holocaust. To the west, there was a treehouse with a horse inside of it. And to the east... lied the multiverse.
Now obviously, as a sufferer of equinophobia, I wasn't gonna go in the horse direction. And at least for now, I had no Kanye West LPs to dispose of, so the sewers were off limits in my mind, too. Once upon a time Peter Griffin warned me about the dangers of interdimensional transportation and how it could leave you in 2D pixel form rather than fully pre-rendered polygons, so I was left with the vanilla bean land as a dessert for my swordlickin' cheese pizza dinner. Perhaps, somewhere beyond the mountains, I could find a path home, away from this terrifyingly psychedelic fantasy land.
The fatal setback of my quest occurred when I tried to eat the ice cream.
It turned out that the manner in which I cut my tongue with my sword made my tongue resemble that of a lizard's, so I couldn't eat ice cream all too well. More importantly than that, the vanilla bean ice cream... wasn't ice cream at all.
You know how the human body has organs that aren't all that important, but we have them anyway because natural selection only cares about the things that hinder us, rather than what we really just don't need? That's why we have appendixes, but it's also why we have gall bladders. In short, gall bladders are what gives our fecal matter brownish green color, and if you don't have one... you may've guessed it by now.
Your shit... would be white.
I thought back to the Oregon Trail game I had playing on my 1981 Apple II MOS Technology 4KB memory Integer BASIC operating system computer with a monochrome dot matrix monitor, back at home. Back then, people used to die from not going to the dentist, or worse, from dysentery. Yes, that's right: people in the 1800s used to die all the time from flaming diarrhea, which is absolutely fucking hilarious until you're the one who gets it. Then it's just... humiliating.
In the magical land of Ooo, there are no doctors, and therefore, no hospitals. I shrieked in horror as I realized that I was destined to die from the debris and bacteria of the shit I had misfortunately digested.
I was ready to lay down and let the world go black, until I remembered the consolation prize. That even if I passed... there was hope that my story would be remembered. But I was running out of time to relay the shocking truth...
"My people!", I screamed to myself. Only humans ever got their gull bladders removed, so the finding of white fecal matter must have been proof that humans were still alive in this post-apocalyptic fantasy world after all. I, the human boy Finn, took out my cheese pizza sword a-gain and charged forward in optimistically hued delight, temporarily forgetting that I was poisoned without an antidote, until...
I Josh you not, but I heard ominous laughter mumbling out of my backpack. At first I thought my sword had one of those speakers built into it that trinkets from the Wal-Mart toy aisle sometimes have, but no.
My spine chilled as my backpack rustled and popped up and open.
It was that fucking talking dog.
"Hey man! Way to eat my dinner, and then treat yourself to dessert without asking if I wanted any!"
"I ate fucking shit, Jake.", I slithered out of my lizard tongue.
Now, again, this is pretty fucking weird, but when I said that cuss word, I heard a loud BEEP block the actual word out. Strange.
"Wow man, we need to get you to a hospital or something! Let me call Lady Rainicorn over for help!"
"There are no hospitals in our world."
"I know, man. That was the joke! Dee dee dee!"
I deduced that the main writer of this show must've quit and been replaced by the infamous Comedy Central plagiarist Carlos Mencia.
I had hoped to finalize my mission to discover the missing traces of humanity, but I shivered in fear as I realized my organs were all shutting down now, and I was quickly running out of time to deliver the shocking truth to the humanoid creatures that we were all products of a nuclear holocaust engineered by the ice king. It was too late for me. I started choking on my choking as the world began turning black...
... which reminded me of the 2008 album Black Ice, by my favorite hard rock band of all-time, AC/DC...
Wait. Ice... ... blackness... that was it!!
"I am not just an ice king! I, all along, was the Ice King."
"The convenience store was the lie! I was in my laboratory! I triggered that war! And this--this was nothing more than horrible hallucinations, to convince myself that I was not actually guilty at all!"
"And as far these horrible nightmares... they are a curse. The curse that let me know... what I had done."
I cut myself with my blade, as if I was striking the final villain in a video game. Jake the Dog let out a loud, obnoxious fart in fear. But this was no video game. That was real life. And I was choking now. And... dying.
"It is I... I, who am the harbinger of the Great Mushroom War! And the downfall of humanity!", I tried to shout to the world between gasps for precious, and rapidly fleeting, air.
The last image I saw, out of the corner of my mind's eye, was even more horrifying and sad. It was Carlos Mencia. He began chiseling into my skull with a household tortilla press as the pangs of guilt spread throughout my body. I asked for mercy, but none was offered, though he blamed me for the arrests and deportation of George Lopez's extended family.
As I felt the sensations of my mind and body leave me for good from the kitchen utensil induced damage, I began psychologically crafting my memoirs. "There were cockroaches, the multiverse, and worst of all, horses. Humanity may never learn who it is where it came from, but it will always know one very important thing: Monsanto pours poo into the food supply."
And somewhere in the real world, a homeless Japanese man's dumpster continued to decay.
His time for adventuring, as the plot twist and the enemy had now been delivered... the time for all that... was over.