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Bryancranston

By now, most of you have probably seen the award-winning TV-show Breaking Bad, possibly having binge-watched it when the whole Internet was buzzing about it. I don't want to brag, but I followed the show religiously since day one, being on top of my toes week after week in anticipation of what would happen next in the tragic story documenting family man Walter White's downward spiral into the life of a hard-boiled criminal. Some of you may have even seen the shorter minisodes that were available on the net that tell various tales of the characters in a shorter format. However, I highly doubt you are aware that there is a lost episode that was never broadcast on television because it was deemed to be too disturbing and graphic. Keep in mind, we are talking about a show where human corpses are dissolved in chemicals to dispose of them, children get murdered, and someone falls into a porta-potty in one episode.

Anyway, I got to see the episode through Netflix at the behest of a good friend who regularly abuses a glitch in Netflix' system–No, I can't tell you about it–to watch episodes early before they are made public. It was the eighth episode in the first season. That's right, as the savvy ones among you may have noticed, the first season was cut short by a couple of episodes because of the strike of the Writer's Guild that was ongoing around the time. But yes, they actually made an eighth episode and it was fully written, filmed, and edited. It was almost like it was just any other episode. But there was something… something sinister. Something about this episode was off. Like with any episode, I was prepared to be shocked, but what I would see was truly something no mortal man should have seen. I'm sorry, I digress.

The episode was called “Doll”. There wasn't much I could take away from that, but with Breaking Bad, most of the episode titles make sense after you've seen each respective episode. The opening scene showed Walter White having hot, steamy sex with his pregnant wife, Skylar. That wasn't really unusual for the show. However, the actors didn't look like they were themselves. They looked dishev… no wait, at a closer glance, it looked like those weren't Bryan Cranston and Anna Gunn having sex. In fact, it were two bald, yet hairy men just wearing paper cut-out masks of Walter and Skylar. In fact, it was one hairy bald guy anally penetrating another bald man with a fake pregnant belly cuffed on his torso. All the parts of the actors and the act were shown. Every detail. There was no censorship and no subtlety. Meanwhile, the man who was doing the penetration sensually stroked the “pregnant” man's penis in a motion that was asynchronous to his penetrating, yet harmonic. Moreover, the fucking man released a screech every time he jammed his cock into the tight asshole. “Skylar…” he moaned. “The baby… your womb… is jamming against my dick!”–“Put up, or shut up!” Skylar responded impudently. In a rather uncharacteristic fashion, the scene then cut away to the man portraying Walter having sex with a blow-up doll, the doll having replaced Skylar, while the actor portraying Skylar was lying in the corner sobbing, tears streaming down her face, and her still being undressed. Then the iconic intro sequence played.

This gave me a little breather to process what I had just witnessed. I was at a loss for words. Was this an attempt at humor? I mean, I know whenever Breaking Bad did humor, it was pretty dark but fitting. But this was just… like a gag out of one of those terrible fetish DVDs I got for Christmas. Not to mention, why were the sexual acts shown in such graphic, unadulterated detail? Was there a change of pace at AMC? I mean, it's not like I would have had something against candid, real-life sex being portrayed in regular media, it's just that it was so unusual. I didn't think much of the actors being replaced for the sex scene, I mean, I understand that most Hollywood actors wouldn't want to have their image tarnished by showcasing their naked bodies and having live sex on camera. But why didn't they have a woman be the stand-in for Skylar, and why the hell weren't they smarter about going about this? I mean, I am aware that the budget for the first season wasn't so hot, but come on, there were easy solutions for this. Hm… maybe they accidentally cut in the footage of the stand-ins from the preproduction, I mean, this was an unreleased episode. Either way, I continued watching.

The next scene picked up where I assume episode 7 closed. Walter and Jesse were driving along a long desert road that had no ending in sight. From what I could tell, we were back to the regular cast. They talked about the deal with Tuco and what their next steps were going to be. Just then, you could hear Walter's phone vibrate. Walter cringed and blurted out a pained scream. “Yo, what's wrong Mr. White, bitch?” Jesse exclaimed angrily. The phone kept vibrating and Walter kept flinching every time it did. “Why don't you just fucking pick up, bitch?” Jesse said in an impatient tone. “Jesse! You don't understand…” Walter replied, again sounding like he was in pain. He pulled over his car and stopped. “Ey, what the hell are you doing, you lunatic, bitch?” Jesse yelled at Walter. Walter got out of the car and dropped his pants. “Hey, you fucking moron, are you gonna cook here or what? We don't have the RV with us, bitch!”–“Jesse, shut the fuck up, you gosh-diddly-darn idiot.” Walter said as he proceeded to also drop his underpants and go into a crouching position. He started pushing and released a loud, yet relieved sounding scream, as a cellphone and a stream of diarrhea released from his colon. Walter then nonchalantly fished the phone out of the puddle of fluid excrement and wiped it on his pants, oddly enough the ones he lost in the desert in the first episode. “Yo, Mr. White, what in god's fucking name are you doing you fucking cunt, bitch?” Jesse vociferated at his former chemistry instructor. “Is this some kind of sick fetish of yours? Why in the name of Lord Satan would you store your fucking cellphone in your goddamn asshole when you have perfectly fine pants you could have used instead?”–“Jesse…” Walter sighed. “I see you still haven't learned anything. This is the phone I use for the business we are doing. I can't just go around brandishing two cellphones. It sure as fucking hell would raise suspicion if I accidentally pulled out the drug phone in the company of someone who knows what my phone looks like, you goddamn retard knucklehead.”–“I'm sorry,” Jesse said in a soft tone and started nodding, lowering his head in shame more and more with every nod.

Crappyphone

They both got back in the car and remained silent for a while. After some time, Walter's drug phone, for lack of a better term, started vibrating again. Walter snapped it open and started reading the text message he had just received while he was driving. The camera zoomed in on it and I couldn't believe my eyes. It was a rather luscious message from a woman called Barbie. To my further disbelief, the sexual text message referred to Walter as “Bryan,” which was the actor's name. Walter also replied with a rather succulent message. Diarrhea was dripping out of the buttons in a hyper-realistic fashion, making a gross, intolerable sound every time he pressed them. I just couldn't grasp it. Was he cheating on his wife? This went on for a couple of minutes, when Walter shifted his position in the car so he could steer with his feet. He then began massaging his already erect cock while simultaneously sexting and driving. Jesse's jaw was dropped as he gazed at Walter in disbelief. “Don't you… wanna watch the road?” He asked with a very subdued voice. “SHUT THE HELL UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” Walter screamed on top of his lungs, his voice cracking more and more every time.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a group of three kids, two boys and one girl, were on the road. Walter tried hitting the brakes but his braking foot got caught because he had lowered his pants. It was too late. He hit one of the girls and she was catapulted back a few feet. The car came to a stop and the airbags released, with the crash slightly injuring both Walter and Jesse. After a while, Walter slowly raised and started getting out of his car. “JESSE!” Walter barked. It was most likely too late for the girl he had just hit with the car. “HELP ME GET THE FUCKING KIDS!” Jesse stared like a part of him had just died. He didn't move and he looked visibly shaken. Walter pulled out a gun as both of the children, who had by now barely managed to collect their thoughts, started leaping off. Walter had a visible hobble from the crash. Still, he went on to go after the two remaining kids that were running away from him in fear of their lives. You could hear them howling in desperation as they struggled running off after just seeing their friend having been killed and being threatened with a gun. Walter aimed and fired a shot at one of the kids. It missed. He fired again. This time he landed a shot in the boy's back. The boy fell to the ground and screamed in agony. Walter fired a third shot, this time at the girl that was still running. The bullet hit, but for some reason, the girl continued running like nothing had happened. It must have been the backpack she had that was essentially a giant plush doll. Something in there must have stopped the bullet. Walter finally caught up with the boy who was still sobbing and obviously in pain from the bullet Walter had fired into his back earlier. Walter ruthlessly just straight-up executed him with a head shot. He took another aim at the girl, but to the girl's fortune, it seemed like the gun was out of ammo. Walter pulled the trigger a few more times, but to no avail. Walter furiously threw the gun on the ground and fell on his knees while blaring. By now, a steady stream of tears was flowing down Jesse's face. He had not uttered as much as a word since the crash.

Long story short, the girl escaped into the desert and Walter couldn't catch up with her thanks to his right leg having sustained an injury from the collision with the first kid. Walter put the bodies of the children in his trunk. I was again at a loss for words. That whole thing with Walter running over the girl and executing the boy had been so goddamn-unbelievably boring, I was literally bored to tears and I almost fell asleep. I started getting a hunch as to why this episode really was never broadcast: Because it was fucking boring as hell.

Matryoshkawhite

I was just about to fall asleep as something inexplicable happened: Walter White started pulling on his face. I was baffled. Why would he do such a thing? I covered up my eyes with my hands and peeked through my fingers so I would be prepared in case something spooky would happen. “Plop!” Walter's face had come right off revealing it to have in actuality been a mask of his own face, just bald. I chuckled. But there it happened again. Walter pulled off the face that had just been exposed by pulling off his face. And guess what? Under that other mask, he was actually Skylar White. But it didn't stop there. He pulled that one off yet again and continued to do so for five more minutes, cycling through the three aforementioned faces. It was like one of those Russian Matryoshka dolls, and in fact, Walter's head became smaller and smaller with each and every mask he removed. The look on Jesse's face was priceless. He was dishevel… no, actually, he looked very amused and laughed heartily. He still had tears coming down his face, but this time it was definitely from all the laughing. With one hand he was holding his stomach and with the other he was pointing at Walter, exclaiming “AHAHAHAHA! And… he does it again!” Jesse looked like he was all cheered up compared to earlier when those homicides happened. After Walter was done, he got back into the car and pulled Jesse by the cheek affectionately. “You are a good boy, Jesse. Let's go and grab some ice cream for you, what do you say?” Jesse nodded approvingly, with a big smile on his face. Walter had difficulties getting around the pile of masks he had left outside the car and he complained about his tiny head not allowing him to get a proper view beyond the steering wheel. I also had a good laugh during that scene. For the uninitiated, this practice of wearing a mask of yourself over your real face would again be referenced at San Diego Comic-Con 2013 when Bryan Cranston got a very impressive Walter White mask from a fan and wore it at the convention in order to fool people into believing he was just a random guy cosplaying as Walter White. But if you didn't know that, I guess you are an irredeemable piece of shit and a fucking idiot.

Angrycranston

All of a sudden–You won't believe what happened–I shit you not, Walter's goddamn phone rang, the regular one this time. He picked up and asked impolitely “Who is this and how did you get this number?” A voice sounding like Bob Odenkirk replied “Mr. Walter White?”–“Yeah?” said Walter. “You don’t know me and I suspect we’ll never meet. This is a courtesy call. Listen very carefully. Are you listening?”–“Yes.”–“He knows.” That was it. Walter was enraged and he wouldn't let this rude caller get away with this. “You mean Jesse knows about the fucking murder? How in god's name would he know that? Answer me, dammit! Hello?” But it was already too late. The caller had already hung up. What struck me as weird was that they would cast Bob Odenkirk, the man who would play Saul Goodman in the later seasons, as the caller. Saul Goodman hadn't even been established yet by that point. It was all very confusing and the look on Walter's face changed once more, though he for some reason had a regular-sized head again. He pulled off his face one last time, revealing the same face with angry eyebrows drawn on it with a Sharpie.

Jessefemale

In the next scene you could see Walter peeling the skin off of Jesse's dead body in the RV. It was displayed in graphic, gruesome detail. They showed every last aspect of it. “I'm going to make something out of you, Jesse. Believe me. I'm going to make you into mashed potatoes!” Walter rambled with a strict tone while dismembering Jesse. For some reason, this reminded me of the part where Walter pulled off all those masks from his face like a Matryoshka, but oh well. Walter moved on to Jesse's genitals, but here's the twist we all were not and could not have been prepared for: Jesse was a girl all along. Walter revealed on Jesse's body the most beautiful vagina he and I had ever seen. It was truly immaculate Walter burst into tears, lowering his head onto the dead, lifeless body of his companion. Then the credits rolled.

Overall, it was a pretty good episode. I admit, it had some flaws and I had my doubts here and there, but it came to a pretty satisfying conclusion. But then it hit me like a bullet hit that boy's brain earlier. I melted into tears. I finally knew what was going on. Over the course of the episode, I perpetually had this lingering feeling that something wasn't quite right. That something was off. Now I knew what it was. And this revelation was bound to change my life forever. I'm going to tell it to you now, without delay. Jesse was blind all along. He didn't see Walter kill those two children in a heinous fashion. The reason why he was crying was that he thought he wouldn't get ice cream because the car halted again. And here's what's more: The reason why the text message on the phone referred to the character as Bryan rather than Walter is that it wasn't a show. It was just cleverly disguised as such. All of the footage was shot by dashcams that are used to determine the culpability in case of a car accident. And you know what that means? Bryan Cranston actually killed an innocent girl, an innocent boy, an innocent blind young woman, and a Chinese man. (That happened on the way to the RV, by the way.) All for nothing. I definitely had to bring justice to this matter, but all the evidence was lost. Netflix had fixed the exploit in their system while I was watching the episode. I was broken-hearted. Then it struck me once more: I had programmed the VHS recorder to record the re-run of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry Seinfeld is raped by the dentist portrayed by Bryan Cranston (for reference: that's the Season 6 episode “The Jimmy”) that was running right at the time I was watching this snuff movie episode of Breaking Bad. That was it. I looked at what the VHS recorder had recorded, and serendipitously it had recorded just what I needed to chain Bryan Cranston to the electric chair. It was all over for him. But what came next, I was not prepared for…

The door opened and Bryan Cranston stormed into the room. I hastily pulled up my underpants that were still down from that car scene from… You know what, it doesn't fucking matter why they were down, what matters is that I pulled them up, impeding my movement options right at this crucial moment. And then it was too late. Bryan Cranston already had the tape in his possession. I felt miserable. But Bryan Cranston began speaking, “Son, don't draw any rash conclusions. I'm going to explain everything to you.” I mistrusted him at first, but everything he said made sense. As it turns out, I had partaken in a hidden camera prank show and it was all just a big, funny joke.

Mashedpotatoes

I was glad everything was over and all was cleared up. Bryan Cranston made it up to me by treating me to a pint of cold, fresh beer. I mean, I fucking hated beer, but I appreciated the gesture and drank up. But I was not prepared for what followed next. Bryan asked “Now, can I offer you some mashed potatoes?” My body froze of shock and refused to move. I knew what was up and I was disheveled.

I was never heard from again.

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