I had always been a fan of Bugs Bunny. And why wouldn’t I be? This rabbit has clawed its way tooth and nail into America’s heart in the past hundred years more than heartworms have eaten away the heart of your pet and subsequently you. I had been working at the pentagon as a part time janitor. A secret service buddy of mine was showing me some hilarious stuff he could do using some spy ops, but it’s classified. Anyway, we were drawing a dick on some grandmother in Asia’s face while the family screamed violently as he showed me the “vault” as he called it. According to him, the vault contained some of Time Warner’s most prized VHS tapes and newsreels dating back over 200 years. Many of the episodes had been pulled from syndication and replaced with other episodes, there were tapes that had been discarded. Some were completely destroyed or missing spindles for the VHS to spin around. I sifted through copies of copies of buttcheeks that had been scanned as pranks. One caught the glimmer of my eye in a way I’d never imagined. “Bug’s Burny.” I noticed that the “r” was supposed to be an “n”, but it appeared that time and perhaps fire had destroyed part of the “n”, ironically because the tape was burned. Bug’s bunny’s face was on the cover of the VHS was completely burned and appeared to have melted a little. Deep singe marks like the fires of hell covered the carrots in his eyes. All of life is a tragedy from which you can never fully wake. I was cleaning up some urine covered gym socks in the hallway where secret service agents played ski ball next to pinned pictures of hot naked women. I stared into the mirror at myself. “If my heart wasn’t so full of trash, maybe I could reach the unreachable. But time has eaten away the pieces of my heart that mat-“ “BROCK!” Screamed my boss, mispronouncing my name. “Clean that piss up or I’ll open a can of whup ass on your sorry pony boy motherfucking ass and give me that VHS!” he screamed. I told him that if he continues to harass me I was going to inform the president. He told me that the president was fake, we’re all just puppets on strings, and he began to look very horse like as I saw hooves curling from under his shoes. Deranged and disheveled, I ran from the pentagon and drove my 1993 Honda Civic home, hoping the police or FBI would not try to confiscate this classic piece of classified American entertainment. I like to think of it as a slice of life. I sliced myself a nice large slice of pecan pie, shut the windows and the blinds so that I could masturbate and popped this godforsaken VHS tape into the godforsaken player. There was a poster of Jesus hanging on my wall. I put some tape on its eyes so it wouldn’t have to see this demonic program. The episode started as normal. I, being of proud African American descent, related heavily to the afrocentric vibes of Bugs Bunny and his ragtag team of looney toons. Well, except for the fact that Bugs yelled “What’s up, fucks?!” the minute it started. I figured this might’ve been a b-side sort of thing that these animators do with these programs, but some of it started to scare and even disturb me. Bugs is seen wandering sad through the trees with bloodshot eyes that seem to be hanging the way testicles do if you shave the skin off using a carrot peeler (Don’t ask). He’s leering as though he’s gonna pop. “I’m bugs bunny!” He announced for no reason. I’m not sure if we were supposed to assume that he wasn’t bugs bunny, or if bugs bunny was just the character. “I tawt I taw a puddy tat!” He yelled. That wasn’t bugs bunny’s saying! Bugs wandered through the woods becoming increasingly paranoid that the trees were whispering about him. Foghorn Leghorn is seen just standing there. He’s clearly painted into the background and cannot move. “What’s up, cock?!” Bugs snickers. Well, foghorn leghorn was a rooster, so it made sense, except that the animators had rendered an animated bush which bugs ripped away revealing foghorn leghorn’s penis. Bugs started to snicker. I vaguely remembered a word from my old college days kicking the pigskin around at the old BBQ grill on the patio of the University of Hawaii where I graduated as a postgraduate in janitorial studies. “Simulacrum”. It means something is a copy of a copy. The copy is a likeness of the original, but maybe weaker, softer, sadder. Counterfeit. Nothing is genuine. Everything is sad and true. Bugs wandered up to a tree where a rotting log filled with piss covered maggots was eating away the grandmother who was in the tweety bird looney tunes. I never learned her name, but she was clearly dead and various insects had infested her ribcage. “I bet your vagina is full of worms!” Bugs snickered, spitting cigarattes. His eyes were completely hollow and his skin was stretched tighter. “We have to dispose of this corpse.” Someone said. It sounded like someone who works in the IT department at a middle management job named “Eric”. There was nobody onscreen. Bugs turns around and bends over. I now became disturbed…as CLOTHESPINS were holding the skin onto bugs from behind. The skin was all bunched up and looked like a combination of an arby’s sandwich and a clams casino lunch that had been disposed of in the waste receptacle at the pentagon where I used to work. Vaginas. Bugs struggled to dig a hole in the ground. He dug up several skeletons that seemed to be the corpses of other Looney Tunes characters. I was becoming nauseous as bugs dug, and dug, and dug. The camera never moved. The clothespins became loose as he dug and his skin started to fall off. Bugs kept his skin on and continued to dig. He uprooted the tombstones of all of the people who worked at Warner Bros. You could clearly see their names were etched onto the tombstones as the camera stayed there, predicting their deaths many years beforehand… “Fuck off you stupid piece of shit.” A voice whispered. Bugs continued to dig and dig. He kept digging until a loud “Clang” was heard. It was a coffin lid. “BUGS BUNNY” was there in boldface 12 point times new roman font on the front of the coffin. 1926-2013. What’s weird is that 2013 didn’t exist at the point this would have aired. Bugs just leered at the coffin as his eyes glazed over. One of them started to fall out of its sockets. He takes out a little vial of glue and puts it around his eyes. “Here I am.” He smiled. “And how about that lucky rabbit’s foot?” He smiled, lifting his right leg to show that it had been brutally lascerated and almost cut off but not quite. All of a sudden, the sound of a loud, violent gunshot was heard. “Fuck!” bugs screamed. “I’M HUNTING WABBITS!” Screamed a man who sounded like he had problems. I assumed it was Elmer Fudd. He approaches bugs bunny, who is down in a ditch where he was digging. He pulls his shotgun and shoots bugs bunny point blank in the face, something that never happened on the show. Bugs’ eyes fly off, and he loses most of his skin. Blood is everywhere and the highly realistic chunks of bunny flesh fly in all directions. The propulsive force of the buckshot loosened the clothespins and sent bugs’ skin flying off, revealing a drawn shaven blood outline of…Daffy Duck. “Fuck!” Daffy duck screamed. “It’s still alive.” Elmer said and shot daffy duck in the face again. The bloody crippled and broken chipped beak was shattered into a million tiny pieces as Elmer shot a hole clear through the head. What’s weird is that I could see my apartment wall where the TV’s back would point through the other side of the tape. What a great visual trick by the animators. Nothing could prepare me for what happened next. The head started to crumble and fell back, slumping, as bugs bunny crawled out of the corpse. It was a more fake and plastic looking but equally bloody bugs. “Fuck season.” Bugs bunny said for no reason. Elmer fired his gun. Daffy crawled out of this body. “Faggot season.” Said daffy, smoking a cigarette. “Fuck season!” said bugs, crawling out of the next gunshot wound. “Faggot season!” “Fuck season!” “Faggot season!” “Fuck season!” A different body crawled out of the mess each time, leaving bugs and daffy skins all over the backdrop. The final gunshot put the creature, whatever it was, to rest. Elmer is shown dragging it up the hill to a taxidermy shop. The bloody corpse is stuffed and mounted. All along the wall were other characters Elmer had mounted, including the grandmother whose eyes were replaced with popcorn shrimp. It could’ve been popcorn chicken, or any spherical brown object for that matter. There’s a knock at the door as Elmer kicks up his heels and watches footage of John F. Kennedy giving a speech on his black and white TV. I dropped my pie when I saw what happened next. It was bugs bunny at the door. More disheveled, more highly realistic, more bloody, chipped teeth and hollow eyes. “Eh, what’s up cock!” He yelled, with no cocks present at this time. This was starting to scare me as bugs returned and walked across the cabin toward elmer, who frantically reached for his shotgun. “This can’t be!” Elmer screamed. “I killed you!” “You can’t kill that which isn’t alive!” Bugs screamed, as violent black spindles of blood and bone rose up from the body. “EH, WHAT’S UP COCK!” He yelled violently, lurching toward elmer. Bugs’ neck elongated by about three inches. He slammed into a table, knocking a glass of water over. All of the character’s paused. A man who sounded exactly like my boss imitating Elmer Fudd said “It’s ok, the janitor will clean it up. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. HA. FUCKING. HA. GOTCHA! HAHAHAHA!” Oh, it was all a prank. The next day I got a call from the pentagon to come back to work, and hopefully I enjoyed the prank. The president of the pentagon walked up and shook my hand. He was a tall, hairy ape-like man who resembled a sasquatch. I got news that they were promoting me to head janitor. “I just want to take a shit on the floor right here and watch you clean it up.” My boss smiled. Well, I just looked him dead in the eyes and told him right off. “I may be a mere janitor in a prestigious government facility, but even I have my pride. You can strip me of my job, my status, my girlfriend Jill aka my hand, but if there’s one thing you cannot take away, it’s my pride. Good day sir.” My boss just stared, then spoke. “Well here’s one fluid you’ve never cleaned up before.” He started to tear up and cried in my arms. “My boy.” He smiled. “I’ve got big plans for you.” “Big plans?” I shuddered. “Yes. We’re going to train you, raise you and design you to be…the next president of the United States.” He smiled wide. “What?” I was so astonished I could hardly speak. “What about the elections?” I asked. “Rigged, my boy.” My boss smiled. “It’s all a big hullaballoo of smoke and mirrors for the flag waving, gun-toting American public- but you, you’re going places. First you’ll start as senator. Come now, Mr. Obama, I’ve got much to show you.”

Video Edit

CREEPYPASTA- Bugs Bunny Lost Episode15:24

CREEPYPASTA- Bugs Bunny Lost Episode

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