Listen up. I know you're hungry. You always are. We all are. And maybe you're a bachelor, and you're sick of Chef Boyardee. Do I blame you? Of course not. Do not judge lest ye be judged, so I've got no intention like that at all. But I want to tell you something. ... No: I've got to tell you something. I need you to hunger for truth.
Those McDonald's all-day breakfast advertisements? ... Much more to them than meets the eye. It's not about satisfying customers, and it isn't about economics, either. Think about it: there's the inconvenience of them having to set up both the breakfast and non-breakfast equipment and supplies all day, confusion in the kitchen over who needs to be where doing what, restraints on just how fast customers will be able to receive their fast food, and a lot of passive aggressive employees who never had to cook that stuff who now have to go out of their way and do it. Do you really think that McDonald's gains much out of their brand spanking new All Day Breakfast program? Well, if you did, you are likely now rethinking that conclusion.
So, what am I up to? What's the shocking truth? Am I trying to tell you that the pink slime in those burgers is going to evolve and pop out of your stomach while you're trying to digest? No, that's not it. Am I telling you that that clown in the ads has sinister plans that he doesn't openly advertise? Well, we already talked about that a long time ago, if you remember. That isn't what this is about. This is about the secret but objective fact... the startling, bone-chilling, spine-tingling, but stubbornly undeniable, cold hard fact... that fast food is evil.
Let's start off with Subway. Yes, you know that Jared Fogle is a predator of more than just lackluster lunch meat sandwiches, but there's no more to that situation than meets the eye... right? Wrong. For one, Subway has confirmed that they received complaints about him before, and they still turned a blind eye. For another, stare into the logo. See what's sticking out of the 's'es on both sides? Pitchforks. Symbols of the devil. If you're not convinced yet, here's strike three: have you yet heard the story of how Jared really lost the weight? He sure as hell didn't lose it on fast food subs, that's for sure.
Now that we know that Subway is evil, you may be wondering if the problem stops with them and them alone. But it really doesn't. Consider the Burger King: not just the company itself, but the actual mascot. He stalks you outside of your window and offers you fast food sandwiches when you least expect it. At first that might seem rather friendly of him, but keep in mind that he's stalking you outside of your fucking window, with a creepy, psychopathically sickly look in his eye. You may be inclined to dismiss this as the figment of some advertiser's imagination, but if you've ever heard of the ontological argument, you would think that over again. The ontological argument was proposed in the year 1078 by a Benedictine monk named Saint Anselm of Canterbury, who successfully argued that anything that we can conceive already exists in some form, because otherwise, we as people would have no idea how to creatively put together something like it. If there was another being quite like the Burger King, then we could dismiss him as a figment of an advertiser's imagination after all, but we can't: thus, he must be real.
Lastly... at least for now... I would like to talk about Wendy's. Have you ever watched a recent Wendy's commercial? If so, you may have noticed that the real Wendy, despite being alive and well, is not in the commercials, and has been replaced with another character named 'Red'. Yes, red is the color of blood, and the color that we regularly associate with the Devil, but that alone is not enough to conclude that Wendy's is evil. If we concluded that, it'd be like saying that all gingers are sinister, and despite what Eric Cartman from the cartoon South Park thinks, that is asinine and actually quite offensive to believe. The real reason is that, in the Wendy's logo, the dress that Wendy is wearing spells out a secret message, in red: m-o-m, or 'mom', it reads. Now look at the girl's ponytails closer, and you'll see a pair of crosses. Put two and two together, and the conclusion you will reach about these subliminal messages is... disturbing. No wonder Wendy's picked a different woman to appear in those commercials. They don't want you to think of the Devil, and the maniacal misdeeds that he wants you to do.
The illuminati eye in the Taco Bell logo's oval. The Arby's hat actually being a penis. There's much, much more that we can talk about. But as for me, I'm out of time. You see, I have been investigating McDonald's All Day Breakfast, and now I know the real reason why they have implemented it against the will of the majority of their franchisees. Take the first letter in each word. ADB. What does it really stand for? A Dying Bank. Remember: there is no economical reason for McDonald's to do this. In fact, they will ultimately lose money for it. They are pushing other businesses to pursue such models. It is purposely, inherently anti-capitalist. They are attempting to crumble the capitalistic system. It may already be too late, because now it's out there and moving very, very fast. There's only one way that we can stop it now, and that's by--