Friends was a pretty awful show, I thought. But a lot of times when I was a kid and I was pretty lonely, I'd put the show on. The world's a pretty scary place without that television box sending you positive feedback, people laughing, enjoying themselves, you know. But there are two episodes of friends you've probably never seen. You've been watching that show for years, but you never noticed him. The intro would show a dark figure, sometimes standing behind furniture, sometimes a leg would be sticking out of the door. You'd think it was a stagehand, but it wasn't.
This particular episode I saw is titled "The one Where Chandler Realizes He Has No Friends." The intro was the weirdest. I got my hands on the DVD of this Friends cut from a person who worked at NBC. She told me explicitly that it wasn't a comedy episode. She said don't laugh at it, don't watch it for more than fifteen minutes, and destroy the DVD once you've viewed it. She told me very explicity to either burn it or submerge it in abrasive fluid. Under no circumstance was I to cut the DVD open.
The intro is a little odd. The song plays as normal, "So no one told you life was gonna be this way..." but after that line, there's no singing. The sound runs on dead air and the sound of a forest landscape. The friends are having their zany antics, but something is in one of the windows of the buildings. I had to pause the tape to see a weird figure was dancing with them. The actor who plays Ross looks over at it as though he has tears in his eyes. It's impossible to tell what the figure is at this point.
The episode starts really fucked up. Chandler looks really mad. "It's not fucking funny!" he yells. "I was trying to make a sandwich, and your goddamn fucking duck took a shit all over the bread." I was waiting like four minutes for a response, but the characters just get up and leave. It cuts to all of the friends at a cabin. They're sitting around drinking coffee, attempting to make retorts. "Well it's not quite the Central Perk, but there are some perks if you catch my drift." They point to a painting of some sort of devil figure with candles around him. It's sitting just over the fireplace.
"We're running out of electric." Rachel says. "We need to save those candles." I really hated this fucking show. All of a sudden there's the sound of a knock at the door. "DON'T OPEN IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T OPEN THAT FUCKING DOOR!" I was surprised at the level of vulgarity. What looks like a human eye is seen peeking from the window, it's hard to tell what it is.
"I don't think we survived the drive up here." Someone says in the other room. "I feel really disoriented." Ross says. "It's like my thoughts are scrambled." "Scrambled like eggs." Chandler says, holding up an egg. The audience doesn't laugh. The camera zooms deep into Chandler's face for no reason. The episode was actually about the North American Sasquatch. "He's been watching us for a while." Joey says. "He's been watching, and waiting, and planning to kill us. I just know it." "Shut up Joey." Monica says. "You shut the fuck up you goddamn-" All of a sudden, there's a knock at the door.
"DO NOT OPEN THAT FUCKING DOOR!" Chandler says. Now the audience started to laugh, for no reason. Chandler deadbolted the door, and started getting some pieces of firewood. He hacks them into blocks and starts boarding up the windows with them. "We'll be safe in here." Chandler says..."Away from sasquatch." "Just let me in." the voice says. "It's cold out here, I just want to come in and cook some dinner."
The next part is really fucked up. Monica starts staring around the room until she notices the camera is filming her. She walks up to it and opens her mouth. It took me awhile to realize what she was doing. Someone had taken her tongue. As a matter of fact, the more I watched her speak, I realized it was an overdub. It was almost like the actress who played her didn't have a tongue.
Chandler picked up the axe. "I'm warning all of you, if any of you try to open this door until the morning, I am going to hack you into firewood." The audience starts laughing extremely loudly. "Rachel, you're on fire!" Ross screams. Indeed, Rachel had been resting her hand on the fireplace while it looks like they were engaging in some adult act involving a dead tuna fish. "What?" Rachel said. The camera zoomed into her arm. It was covered in burns. Intense first degree burns enveloped her skin, it was an extremely good makeup job that looked highly realistic.
Chandler looked disheveled. "You mean unshoveled." He said, holding up a shovel. Some time during the commercial break, Rachel had amputated her arm. "You know it's funny." She said, "I can't even feel it." I had begun to consider the implicating thought that maybe through some realm of possibility in my mental frame there was something wrong with the Friends. "How do you even know it's Bigfoot?" Joey says. "It could just be a hairy man." "A hairy man who EATS PEOPLE?!" The audience laughed rather loudly. Joey continued "You should've seen my Italian uncle Fredricko, he could've eaten a horse." It was then that I realized something. Joey had no eyes. In fact, someone had replaced his eyes with olives. Green olives with pimentos sat in his eye socket. "Well what the fuck?!" Joey yelled. "NOBODY GO TO SLEEP!" Chandler says. "He might be in the house." Joey starts crying, his life as a soap opera star was over. He starts to eat some soap, licking, tasting the soap.
"I've had enough of this shit." Chandler says. "I know it's bigfoot. I just know. I can smell him..." Indeed, bigfoot had a smell it seemed. All six of the cast members started flaring their nostrils. Joey had eaten the olives in his eyes, and had bandaged his head to stop the obvious blood. "I think..." Ross started...but he couldn't think. "I feel like my five senses are shutting down." Chandler said. "I feel really numb." Phoebe had started playing guitar. She started to sing her song about a cat "Shut the fuck up!" Chandler yelled, quite disheveled. He picked up the guitar and smashed it in the fireplace. He held the axe high above his head. "Everyone just lay down and go to fucking bed."
They all went into the other room to sleep. Chandler kept sniffing the air. He sat in an armchair next to the fireplace, swirling brandy. There was a goat head over the mantle. Taxidermy, most likely. "Let me in." The voice said. "It's cold out here, just let me in." Chandler went over to the window. The eye was peeking through again. The eye was leering at some delicious ham on the stove. "Just give me some of that ham." It said. "I just want some ham." "Ok." Chandler says. The mouth moved to the window now. A hairy mouth, licking its lips. "CHEW ON THIS!" Chandler screamed, slamming the axe into the glass window. "AHH!" The voice snarls now, and the tape started to flicker. Chandler flew back and the axe cut into the wall. Blood started to drip down. Chandler picked the axe up once more and slammed it into the house, the audience laugh track started to scream in pain! Blood spurted all over as the sound of people requiring medical attention was heard.
"Maybe the house is alive." Chandler said. "THE HOUSE IS ALIVE!" He ran over to wake up the others, but they were all dead. Chandler realized what he was smelling. It was carbon monoxide. "I think he poisoned my drink!" Chandler yelled. "WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS!?" The voice yelled from behind the door. Chandler found the pipe main releasing the toxic gas and slammed it with the head of of a spade gardening tool.
There were huge teeth in the fireplace. Huge, glistening teeth. Not CG, not drawn, not props. They looked real. They were dripping a ton of saliva. Chandler looked at the pictures on the wall over the mantlepiece. He removed one of them, revealing A GIGANTIC EYE. "Oh my god!" Chandler yelled, he picked up the axe and slammed it into the eye. The pupil went flying across the room like a frisbee.
Formaldehyde and a sewing kit was all Chandler needed to stay sane. I was kind of disgusted by the next scene. Chandler had sewn their lips shut, replaced their eyes with marbles found in the closet, embalmed their organs, cleaned their pants (Most of them had shit themselves) and propped them all up at the dinner table. Chandler smiled, he hadn't shaved in weeks. He started drink coffee and engaged in witty banter with his taxidermied friends. It wasn't the same. None of them could respond, some of them slumped over and a few just outright fell on the floor. "Oh, looks like ya fell there, Rachel" He goes to pick her up to find that her arm sore is now covered in maggots.
Chandler is really mad now. "You know friends... do things for each other. Like pull you out of a car crash after speeding 70 miles down the road... but deer" "Come on, little buddy." the voice said. "Open the door." "I'm not opening the door for you, you goddamn sasquatch." At this point I removed the DVD. I tried burning it as per a friend's instructions, but it was flame retardant. Indeed, it would not burn. I submerged it in extremely abrasive nail polish glue and urine. The DVD was burne to a crisp. I put it in the DVD player to test it, but to my chagrin, it still played. When I started the DVD menu up this time, it started playing the episode. Who knows how much time had passed or where I was, I had been about 25 minutes in, but here the scenario was completely different. "SOLVE MY RIDDLE, SOLVE THIS RIDDLE FOR ME, AND THEN I MAY JUST SET YOU FREE!" Boomed the voice. It was the rhyming sasquatch. "OK!" Chandler yelled. "I'll play your sick game!" Chandler was hesitant, and clearly disheveled. "Count up the silverware, multiply the beds, add up the windows or I'll take your head!" That wasn't even a riddle. Chandler did just that. He took all the silverware from all the drawers in the kitchen, counting fifteen pieces. The bedrooms had four beds. The house seemed to have nine windows.
"Hmm." Chandler said. He did the math.
15 silverwares times 4 beds equalled 60.
Sixty plus nine windows equalled.
"69." Chandler said. "69." "OH GOD!" He screamed. "69! 69!?"
"DON'T MIND IF I DO!" The sasquatch man yelled.
The next part disturbed me most of all. The end of the tape was just Chandler and what was clearly a man in a sasquatch costume engaging in intense fellatio with each other in the 69 position. It went on for what looked like forty minutes, before I just took the DVD out because I was nauseous. It's still on my shelf, somewhere, I don't want my friends and family to know that I own a gay porn that can't be destroyed through the mere acts of mortal men.