(Note: This story introduced the concepts of Bob Saget and people turning into horses to the series of CreepyPastas read by DaveTheUseless.)
I love Full House! But there's a horror episode of Full House you've probably never seen. If you've ever seen Full House, you know they've never done many Holiday-themed episodes, in particular Halloween. There's a reason for that, though I don't know what it is. What I do know is that I found a tape in the street one day while I was bicycling to school without pants on (I had shorts). At first I thought it said "Fat Horse" but when I picked the VHS tape up, it clearly said "Full Hauss" and there was a picture of an angry German man on the cover. Terrified, I picked up the tape and put it in my satchel fanny pack next to my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and travel pack of African hair styling gel. I immediately decided not to go to school and instead went to Walmart and bought a VHS tape player. The manager was very sinister, and made angry faces from across the room. He kept trying to swipe the tape from me before I punched him in the head. "Give me that you little ragamuffin!" he snarled, with angry eyebrows and a barbershop quartet beard. I ran out of the shop, stealing the VHS tape before I threw forty dollars on the counter. There was something evil about this tape.
When I got home, I was shocked to find that the lock to the front door had been jimmied open. I myself was experiencing jimmy legs as a feeling of intense trepidation passed over me. Nothing could predict what would happen next. Bob Saget, who played Danny Tanner was standing my living area. He looked really angry. What he said next really horrified and insulted me. "Give me that tape you little midget with a jerry curl.". He started to advance towards me and I ran like a football player into the kitchen, throwing kool aid and pretzel sticks all over the floor. "Why don't you clean them up!" I screamed, knowing that Danny Tanner was a clean freak. "I'm not Danny Tanner." He said. "I'm Bob Saget." He punched me square in the balls and grabbed the tape, before bringing it over to the VHS player that he had hooked up while I was running away. He was smiling at me, kind of like how a man smiles at his pizza before he is about to devour it whole. There was something evil about this tape.
"Let's watch the tape." He signaled over for me to sit on his lap, and I did. I felt very sexually uncomfortable and tried to get up but he grabbed me. I squeezed his nipple and got up and then sat two spaces over and popped some popcorn so there would be some space between us with the popcorn. I said more like Bob ****** (Six letter word that rhymes with maggot) before he laughed and put his hand on my knee. The tape didn't start as normal. Instead, the words "Full Horse" were on screen, and it they just stayed there for a whole minute as a horse slowly began to fade into view. Bob Saget said "Do you want some hay?" and he began to open his mouth and chew some hay that was in his pocket. The entire cast was horses! DJ, Stephanie and even baby Mary Kate was a horse. Dave Couliere, who played Joey, was the only character who was not a horse. He was yelling angrily because one of the horses had eaten his shish kebab dinner. There was something evil about this tape.
Bob Saget kept trying to touch me inappropriately. The horses didn't say anything, just stood there, but the audiences were laughing rather loudly at the horses, as though they'd been injected with murderous penicillin. I was starting to think there was something evil about this tape. All of the horses began to put their hoofs on each others backs and did a conga line into the kitchen. The words "IS YOUR THROAT HOARSE?" appeared, and then there was just a sound of someone screaming for what seemed like two hours. Bob Saget pulled off his pants, revealing a 13 inch horse prosthesis that had been surgically grafted onto his body. He chased me around the living room for two hours, throwing lamps and furniture at me before I finally took the godforsaken tape and smashed it. It started to scream because it was alive. Blood began to drip out of the tape and a human eye emerged from the middle. It caught on fire and bats flew out of the holes in the sides of the tape. I tried calling 9-1-1 but my phone was covered in jam because my peanut butter sandwich I mentioned earlier had melted into the buttons. "What's the matter." Bob Saget said. "In a jam?" Then he smiled at me for what seemed like sixty seconds before I left the apartment.
Bob Saget was getting into a Ferarri filled with sexy horses. "If you ever tell anyone about this." He said. "I will ****ing kill you." I looked at the tape. There was something evil about it. It was then that I realized that this whole thing was a deep metaphor for the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Just as I realized that, I broke the tape apart. It screamed violently and I got first degree burns all over my hands as the evil entered my body. Inside the tape, there was delicious candy. I ate it and it turns out that the candy was poisonous. There was something evil about the tape. I have posted this on the internet, but by the time you read it, I will be dead. What you should know is the last thing that Bob Saget said to me, which is that on the show's 26th anniversary, the apocalypse will happen. September 26th, 2013. Everyone will turn into a horse and chaos will reign supreme. Wait for it.