Gossip Girl is a basic white girl television show that targeted the rich and for the poor who worked at Olive Garden on a high minimum wage. I work at Olive Garden which had amazing breadsticks.. they're good try them sometime. I had to toss the salad for a family and a tape was in the salad. I forgot to mention that this Olive Garden was merged with a VHS shop so you get to see lost tapes everywhere. The 4 year old kid grabbed the tape and I needed to get it because it was Gossip Girl, my favorite! I had to punch the child in the face to get the tape, don't worry there is a policy that my work can do that with lost tapes.

I ran home and put the tape in my VCR, I had a bowl of breadsticks, they're good by the way. I expected a good program but instead the intro was playing car crashes with the intro song playing. The tape began with Serena BIGASSLONGNAMETHATICANNOTPRONOUCEORTYPE was walking, she had a nice ass nice nice nice...  She was walking in New York City with her best friend Blair. They're shopping on a continuous loop, over and over with “All Star” by Smash Mouth was playing. I almost ran out of breadsticks... try them.. with marinara sauce. This was confusing me as the Serena BIGASSLONGNAMETHATICANNOTPRONOUCEORTYPE was in class while the narrator was talking. “Who is Gossip Girl?” the lady voice asked as I began to wonder about my miserable life. 

Serena turned in some test and sat as she saw Penn, ok some spoiler, they get married, sorry but I just need to let that out, not a fan of their love stuff shit. “Who is Gossip Girl?” said the lady as Serena ran into the bathroom as she cried because Penn doesn't love her. She cried as her ass jiggled. “You seem.. disheveled.” said Jenny, played by Taylor Momsen as she got out of the crapper. Okay, another fact while I eat these breadsticks.. please try them. Taylor plays in a gothic band, just another fun fact. Well anyway, I have no idea why she was crying, lost episodes never explain it. 

The next scene was all the characters from the show in a night club. “Who is Gossip Girl?” said the same girl as I ate more and more breadsticks. “All Star” by Smash Mouth continued playing as everyone was dancing. There was a knock on my door, I opened it and it was a box. Inside the box, it was tons of breadsticks with a note: “Who is Gossip Girl?” There was someone in the bushes as I could see eyes, I thought of nothing of it as I continued to watch the show. “You bitch!” said Blair as she and Serena BIGASSLONGNAMETHATICANNOTPRONOUCEORTYPE fought over some clothes or something. I have no idea, I don't know what the 1% fight about because they have so many things. 

Blair walks out of the club as she is hit by a car, flinging her to the air for 5 miles, she lands on the ground and is splat by hyper realistic blood everywhere. Jesus. I still ate these breadsticks, dear god they were good but they were getting me chest pains. There was a funeral of Blair's death as everyone began crying so hard. “Who is Gossip Girl?” said the same voice. I was confused because how can hyper realism be happening in live action shows? I heard another knock on my door and opened it. It was breadsticks as there was another note: “I can sure you that the Gossip Girl is...” and there was the same person in the bushes with it's head popped out. I don't have my glasses but I could know it was a brunette and I'm a ginger.  

The next shot was Serena and Jenny walking in school now the audio began to act strangely so what I could hear was them talking in some french audio, remind you they did a episode in France. They walked out the school, they got into the crossroad as the same car drove fast hitting Jenny in a hyper realistic way. Now there was something evil about this tape... 

There was no funeral because everyone hated Jenny so much, so no tears and no knocks on the doors for a while. “Do you know who Gossip Girl is?” said the same freaking women. There was Serena and Penn were walking as there was a ballad version of “All Star” playing in the background. I continued to eat more breadsticks, my chest was hurting as I got up. I immediately fell down as I was having a heart attack. 

I woke up as it was midnight, I sat in my chair and continued to watch the episode. But first I called Olive Garden and ordered more breadsticks. Serena began walking as she wore Green Lantern t-shirt. I began crying because the Green Lantern film that came out was terrible, don't watch it.

“Who is Gossip Girl?” I heard for the 100th time, shut the fuck up man! Then the episode stopped for some reason as I heard there was a knock on the door. I opened it and I was filled with terror, it was the lead singer of Smash Mouth. It was the guy in the bushes that scared me! 

“Where are my breadsticks?” I asked knowing that I'm hungry.

“Gone.” he whispered, “All of them are gone. You've died, young child. For almost 13 or 14 years. You were my assistance giving us food, mostly Olive Garden. You were a good man to some, but to us you were just there for the food. One day, we had to perform All Star for some sick kids thing and we were hungry. We wanted Olive Garden like always and you had to drive. Because our driver was hit by a car, irony.. I know. Well we went fast because the Olive Garden was going to close in about 10 minuets and you crashed into a four wheeler, me and my crew survived except for you. You died with breadsticks in your mouth, choking to death like throat gag. You didn't have a funeral because no one loved you and your had a huge gravestone because your last name was long. So your life was miserable and not know, sorry, just had to tell you of all the confusion.”

I stared at him for 60 seconds, and said out loud: “How the fuck am I alive in here if your here?” I began to get upset.

“Oh, I'm dreaming this all so basically this is my dream, it gets confused in dream reality or some shit but I got to go to perform All Star for the five hundred time”

He left and I just stand there. So that's why my life is shit and I'm the answer to the question. I'm Gossip Girl.. even though I'm not a girl. My life is like the Gossip Girl series, just miserable and worthless and all I know is fact about celebrities. I'm now in the mind of a singer who sang in Shrek and that was it and I wonder how the fuck Gossip Girl is known in this. This is confusing you but overall: I hate eating breadsticks.. I hate Olive Garden... I hate Smash Mouth.. I hate this..


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