- August 14th 2015 New York City, United States of America: 4:32 AM.
- January 6th 2002 Paris, France: 9:04 PM.
- May 10th 2034 Atlantic Ocean, Northern Hemisphere: 5:22 PM.
- December 30th 1576 Kantō, Japan: 11:59 AM.
- October 11th 3451 Antarctica, Southern Hemisphere: 1:42 AM.
- February 1st 1922 Mecca, Saudi Arabia: 2:52 PM.
- June 14th 2050 Demilitarized Zone, Korea: 7:45 AM.
- March 9th 2134 Amazon Free State, Sector 15: 8:59 AM.
- November 10th 1956 Liverpool, United Kingdom: 5:33 PM.
- April 25th 1654 Naples, Kingdom of Siciliy: 6:03 PM.
- July 11th 2000 Fort Worth Texas, United States of America: 2:14 PM.
- September 19th 1866 Cape Town, South Africa: 3:55 AM.
- Omega X00Ø NGC 1277, Perseus Supercluster 0:00 A/PM:
- April 3rd 1990 Lavtin, Soviet Union: 9:21 AM.
- August 17th 1779 Fraklinbrug, Prussia: 4:21 PM.
Now I know what your thinking to yourself. "What do all these dates have in common?" Well, I've been wondering that myself for the past 30 years, and I still have no answers. See I'm what you might like to call a 'collerctor' but I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe I should start with an introduction. My name Saul Goldstein accountant by trade. For years Shmendriks and Kolboynicks have asked me how they can be as goy as I am. After having to put up with kikes like these for so long and having exhausted my ‘oy veys’ and sighs on the less honorable persons. I decided to print out my own pamphlet explaining a step by step guide on the art of being what I like to call 'Mazel tov'
It was on my way to my publishers office for this very reason when it happened. I was walking along 5th Avenue one minute and the next minute I somehow found myself being chased by a very hairy naked man wearing a gimp mask. Now assuming this strange sexually liberated man was an anti-semite I started to run faster. I had made it to the spot where the twin towers used to be before I stopped, thinking I had lost him. Suddenly he popped out again through the mailslot of one of the buildings I was walking past. His body contorted like a snake trying to rearrange his bones back to their original position, since he must of dislocated them all in order to fit through such a small space. I must admit at that point I was impressed so I decided to listen to what he had to say. But unfortunately he didn't talk. He only he opened his mouth so that thousands of insects could pour out onto the ground.
Now I wasn't going to take this disrespect and was about to leave that rude man when I felt something hit me on the back of my head. I awoke several hours later to discover I had missed my appointment with the publishing office and even worse I discovered that someone had placed an old VHS tape inside my rectum. “Strange”, I thought to myself. That potental anti-semitic man I ran into must of forgot it there. I being someone who respects Hebrew law adjusted my yamaka and started looking around for a return address or phone number on the VHS Tape. But no contact information was on it. During this search I noticed the title of the VHS tape. “
Harry Potter and the Boombox Emporium” It said, but then I noticed someone had crossed that out and written "Harry Potter the Lost Episode" below it. That was weird, I thought to myself. Harry Potter isn't a television show... it's a book/movie/videogame/erotic parody cartoon series that has captivated the minds of children with it's satanic imagery in order to be used as a gateway drug to reading. Unless whoever wrote this crudely drawn sharpie label confused the Harry Potter Trilogy with the 1980s television sitcom Small Wonder, (a show about a family that invents a robot girl named V.I.C.I. to be their daughter.) I decided to take the latter option and bring the VHS tape home with me so I could watch some of the quirky mishaps of America's favorite little android girl.
When I got home I immediately put the VHS tape in my State of Israel 25th anniversary edition limited manufactured Sony 2500 series VHS player and started up the episode. Feeling a bit peckish I decided to go get a kosher Organic Sweet Sun Prune Juice and when I came back I saw the Harry Potter films were playing. I groaned in disgust and sexual arousal as I realised this really was from the non-existent Harry Potter television show. The only difference from the films was this version seemed a little strange. In the episode Harry and Ron seemed to be discussing plans to murder Harry's nemesis Draco Malfoy. Harry was smiling wickedly and hyper realistic blood was pouring from his eyes. I assumed this violent storyline and gory imagery was just a glitch and maybe it was caused by me neglecting to clean the dust out of my VHS player. I was about to turn the show off when Professor Snape walked on screen into the common room where Ron and Harry were scheming. "What are you two boys up too?" Snape smiled the look of mischief in his eyes. I whimpered, seeing the anger and mistrust in Ron and Harrys faces. Snape continued his monolouge, "It seems my two star pupils are behaving quite... naughty today." I shivered more. This doesn't make sense Neither Harry nor Ron are Snape's star pupils, but before I could write down my observations in my diary both Ron and Harry pounced upon Snape tearing off his clothes and clumps of his skin and revealing Snape's greasy uncircumcised cock. I was crying at this point trying to look away after having promised myself many years ago to never look upon an uncircomsized penis. Both Ron and Harry were howling like maniacs as they tore open Snape's chest feasting on his innards forcing him to watch as they pulled his still beating heart from his own chest and molested the organ in front of his very eyes.
Poor Alan Rickman, that man cares so much about his craft he's willing to allow himself to be brutally murdered in the name of the script, A true thespian! At this point I was around 36.2% sure that this wasn't a glitch, I was becoming so offended at this I thought about calling my Rabbi who also happens to be a lawyer and so I could sue some Palestinians over this VHS tape, somehow, when suddenly the power in my home went out. My wife came rushing out to see what was wrong.
I struck her upon her entering our living room. "GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE MURIAL." I screamed at the top of my lungs, she obeyed but right before she was about to lock herself inside it I noticed something. "Wait your not my wife... I don't even have a wife, I had a dog once but he was killed by Hamas... Who are you?" My fake-wife smiled an evil grin and opened her mouth revealing thousands of insects which came pouring out.
"My god, your that shmuck from earlier who made me miss my apointment!" I stopped and went back to the VHS pulling the tape out.
"I'm glad I ran into you again, you forgot this tape."
The gimp mask man smiled and spoke, "You fool you were suppose to find that!" I looked puzzled at him and he pulled of his mask, Underneath the latex gimp mask was... Joseph Mengele!?!?
"What are you doing here?" I yelped in surprise.
He laughed and talked again. "I came here to give you that VHS tape my old friend."
I looked at him confused, "F-friend?"
His smile only grew wider, "Of course we're friends... Adolf"
I gasped, "That was a long time ago I'm not the Führer anymore..."
He started licking his lips "But you can be..."
I looked down at my blood stained carpet. I knew that day would come when my past finally caught up to me. I faked my death many years ago, fled to South America and from there migrated up the central American peninsula until I made it to the United States.
"W-What do you want from me Joseph?"
His smile grew wider still until it tore the skin around his cheekbones leaving a gaping rip in his face mustels. "To join us!"
Suddenly George Jetson, Jerry Sienfeld and Hank Hill entered into the room. Hank steped forward, "You see bobby we need your help I'll tell ya what. We have a plan ya see. and for it to be finished you gotta join us. Can you do that Bobby?" I was shocked. I had never been asked to join anything before. Well one time I was asked to join my local Jewish Indoor Softball Team but it turned out the whole league was just a front for drug smugglers so that didn't count. I stood tall and put my right arm above my head. "I can do that Hank Hill I can do it and I shall!" Suddenly I felt a burst of energy course through my veins, I felt my foreskin growing back and suddenly lost the urge to finance broadway musicals, my receding hairline disappeared and where there was only the cold dark night above my lip came a strong mustache. I grinned fully in control again, my mustashe shining upon the horizon. I spoke with great power to my co-conspreators... my brothers. "Now for the next phase, we must distribute more of these lost episodes to the world!"