Home Improvement was an amazing show. Starring Tim Allen, this life changing program was a deep metaphor both for improving one's own home life and improving one's homes using tools. Every week Tim, the tool man Taylor and his sidekick Al would face dilemmas both on their TV show Tool Time and in their personal lives. The secret episode nobody knows about is titled "Al is Angry Now" and was actually banned from the original lineup. Please don't accuse me of lying.
The intro starts as normal but the words "BOARD IT UP!" are all over the screen in Comic Sans font. Not being a fan of that font, I understand it fit into the humorous tone of the show, though no one was laughing...YET.
In this episode, the show starts as normal, with Al seeming slightly disheveled. His eyes are bloodshot as though he'd been inhaling paint fumes behind the set. He has a VHS tape of Droopy Dog cartoons he's carrying around titled "NOBODY LIKES DROOPY DOG" and there's a knife in his pocket. He begins to dance around while weird German music plays with the lyrics "Someone is gonna kill you, someone is gonna kill y-ou-ou" in English overdub. Tim walks out, leering at Al. Tim looks really concerned. Al is leering heavily, there are crumbs in his beard. The crumbs were terrifying, I could barely look at them. After pausing and zooming in, the crumbs were revealed to be that of donuts. Donuts have holes in them. Richard Karn broke his character for a moment to drink some water. Then Tim Starts up "Hey, welcome to Tool Time. Today we're looking at the Binford 2000 lawn and weed mulcher. What do you say to that Al?" Al paused for a moment. A joke about his mother was coming. Al was visibly fuming. The camera zoomed into his face, deep into his face while he seemed to be getting angrier and angrier. Then he spoke, though at a low muffled tone: "Why are some homes beautiful, while others are disheveled? Why do some have neat flowers in a row? Why do some have posessions that are flaunted like jewelery for the passersby? Why are some homes completely threadbare, save for a few small trinkets?" "What the hell are you talking about?" Tim replies. "There's no paint, sander and wood to nail shut the hole within my heart, Tim." "That's not in the script". Tim says. The audience starts laughing, rather loudly.
The camera cuts to the audience. Hundreds of skeletons are in the seats. Al smiled at Tim. It was a deep, self satisfied smile, as though he had some horrible secret to share. "Happy Halloween." He whispered. All of a sudden there was a sound of an explosion, and the audience laugh tracks were layered over each other. The skeletons got up and began to dance around. I'm not sure if it's CG, animatronics, strings, or real magical skeletons, but I can tell you something, it was really effective and disturbing.
The show usually had cuts to change scenes that were funny animations. But this cut wasn't funny at all. It was an axe that cut down the center of the screen while high realistic gore spewed everywhere. It stayed there for a few minutes and made me nauseous, until it was just revealed to be Tim's wife Jill making some delicious fruit punch with fish guts in it.
We're back at Tim's House now, and everything in the house has been removed. "They're going to foreclose on the house, soon." Tim says. He has like two hundred stacks of bills on top of bills. They seem to go on forever. It was really scary, adding up Tim's debt made me really scared. I felt my spine begin to tingle at the countless years it would take to pay off all that debt. "CANCELLED!" someone screamed from the other room. There was a bloodcurdling scream. The back wall was boarded up. It was the room where Tim kept his Hot Rod. Tim looked really scared. His three sons came in, but they were played by different actors. "BOARD IT UP!" one of them yelled. "I have to put you away." Tim said. He opened a random closet door and shoved the three of them in there one by one, and locked it up. "I'm not sure what's going on, but you'll be safe here." he said. Suddenly a loud, jarring power tool sound was heard. He takes a screwdriver out and starts stabbing himself in the heart. Three more children enter. These three children are pudgier, and one of them has pudding all over his face. "CALL 911!" there was a scream. Tim tried to stuff these three kids in the closet, but they wouldn't fit. He tied them to a radiator and ran into the other room. Jill lay dead on the floor, with a massive headwound. The audience laugh track was laughing really loudly. He picked up the phone. The number she dialed was 911. Wait a minute, 911. 9/11, it was a government conspiracy. "The government caused 9/11." Tim Allen winked at the camera. The audience started to laugh.
"I have to get out of here before Al finds me." Tim looked extremely nervous. He ran out into the yard and saw Wilson, his neighbor who always obscured half of his face. Half of his face obscured by the picket fence seperating the yard. He approached Wilson. Wilson's voice sounded different. "I have a problem, Wilson." "Everyone has problems, Tim." Wilson seemed a little different. "You don't understand. I'm in serious debt, my wife looks really ill. I think..." "You think what, Tim?" Wilson's eyes looked a little different, peering over the picket fence. "I think...Al has gone a little crazy. He drove the ratings way down with his skeleton bit. People don't like skeletons. Because..." "Because" "Because, they represent...death." Wilson winked. "No bones about it, Tim." The laugh track wouldn't stop laughing now. For the remainder of the episode, the laugh track was at full volume, laughing hysterically at nothing. "Wilson..." Tim looked frightened. The eyes peered through. They were more cold than ice. Wilson stood up. The truth was even more horrifying, and sad. It was Al. Al Borland had murdered wilson, skinned him, and put the top of his face over his. He was wearing Wilson's fleshy head like a pizza dough ski mask while the dead skin drooped down his grizzly, bearded face. Blood was everywhere.
"Oh my god" Tim said. Al picked up an axe and broke the fence down, and started chasing after Tim. Tim pulled the glass patio door shut before Al slammed into it. "Make fun of my mother again Tim!" He yelled. "Make fun of my fucking mother again!" Tim ran into the living room, into the back, where that door was boarded up. Al stood there while Tim held the door shut. "What's in the door, Tim? What's in the door? WHAT'S IN THE FUCKING DOOR!?" He yelled. Blood began to pour down the cracks of the doorframe. Al lifted the axe high above his head. "I'LL FIX YOU!" he screamed. There was a faint light emanating from behind the door. There was something behind that door, something that needed to be seen. Al brought the axe to Tim's belly, pulled it back and slammed it into him. Just as Tim would've been hacked into two pieces, the tape stopped, and the intro played again. It was the normal intro, except everyone was a skeleton. The skeletons did a conga line into the kitchen.
There was the sound of crying. It was Al's voice. "It didn't have to be this way, Tim. I just needed to know what was behind that door. What did you do, Tim? What did you do? There's no fix for this, Tim. ...YOU KILLED YOUR FAMILY!" The godawful laughter finally stopped as the camera panned to the door. It had been hacked open. Inside were the dead bodies of Jill and the three children.