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DaveTheUseless

By now probably all of you have heard about popular YouTuber DaveTheUseless allegedly losing subscribers as a consequence of making another video in his beloved “Let's Fail! at Life” series. But here's what you probably don't know: It's all a sham. In fact, you could even call it a conspiracy. Fasten your seatbelts, because you are in for a ride.

Dtutweet

Before we begin, there's another conspiracy I have to shed light on before all of this makes sense: Unless you are a fucking idiot, I suppose that you are aware that evil forces have invaded and taken control over our Government. (Editor's note: by “our Government” I am quite obviously referring to The Government of America, for there is no other institution in the world that even comes close to being a worthy candidate of being referred to as such.) These evil forces have many names. Some call them The Shadow Government, some call them The Adversary, others call them The Illuminati, even others may call them The Patriots, and some scholars may even identify them as The Satanists… but, I think you get the point. What we can all agree on though, is that these evil forces are corrupting our children with satanic drawing books and proposing and approving legislation that opens the doors to constitutional pedophilia. If you don't believe me, just look it up. This is all out there. This is public knowledge.

Satanic

One such secret change that has just recently been implemented into our Constitution is The Government spying on dead people. That's right: as if it wasn't enough that they come to our houses and look through our drawers when we are alive, their prying eyes are now also scrutinizing and creepily elated by the dead. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, God bless.)  Okay, now for all of you who possess a pattern-recognizing brain, the alarm bells should have went off just about now. What's another recent change that has violated the privacy of trillions of Americans? Does the name… Google… ring any bells?

That's right, Google+'s YouTube integration is also one of those new changes pushed through the legislature by The Patriots. This brought about something that has been unprecedented in the history of the Internet: When somebody dies, their Google+ and YouTube accounts die with them. Alright, alright. I can hear you all say right now “This doesn't make even the slightest hint of sense. What the hell are you rambling on about?” But once you find out the truth, you will be ashamed of your words and deeds.

Let's get this all over with. This all reeked like a rancid bowl of fish on a sunny day in Camden, New Jersey. That's why I hired a private investigator to take a good look at DaveTheUseless for some time. What I found out was truly horrifying. DaveTheUseless is not actually who he wants us to believe he is. Here's a shocking fact: DaveTheUseless is actually a Republican senator who, in a jealous rage, has been working relentlessly to outlaw both homosexual and heterosexual marriage in reaction to gay marriage being legalized in some states. Don't believe me? Just take a look at his voting history. He has voted for Mitt Romney for the past six presidential elections, even that one time Romney was still a Democrat. Now that we have established that, there's another thing we can infer: Which party is it that is so adamant about living in accordance with The Bible's teachings? That's right, Dave is a devout follower of The Old Testament. You could even go as far as saying he follows The Old Testament religiously. And what does The Old Testament say about working on the Sabbath? It's prohibited. Why do you think it is that DaveTheUseless never uploads a video on the Sabbath? Are you seriously gullible enough to believe it's all just a big coincidence?

Now here is the resolution to this story. If you've been following DTU religiously, as you should, you should have seen that Dave had planned to hold a meet-and-fuck with his fans just last week. He even announced it on his Facebook. However, if you take a look now, you will find that such an announcement is nowhere to be found on there? Why do you think that is? The skeptics among you will already know the answer: DaveTheUseless is covering his tracks. There is no way for us to find out what truly transpired at this meet-and-fuck event. It was lost in history forever. At least I thought so, until yesterday, when a cassette tape changed my life forever.

Dtukiller
Dtusubs

On this fateful day, another cassette tape tape mysteriously arrived in my mailbox. Shivers ran down my spine, as I had a creeping suspicion what horrifying truth it could be that I would learn once I put this cataclysmal tape into my all-in-one home entertainment system; but first I had to take the NES tape of Wally Bear out of the slot. I pressed play on  my Power Glove to start the tape. The contents of the tape were actually quite concise. The footage was filmed from the perspective of the to-be-victim, most likely with the camera of their Nintendo 3DS. It was a regular interaction between DaveTheUseless and one of his subscribers at the meet-and-fuck. “Wow, I never realized you were Jewish. Are you playing with me?” the person with the camera said. “Why would I lie about something like that? And wasn't it obvious from the get-go? You honestly couldn't tell? I mean, David is a Jewish name. But enough talk about me… well, what do you say, should we get started, sugar?” David asked sanguinely. I exclaimed “I fucking knew it, Dave was a fucking Jew all along!” But back to the video. “Give me just a second, there's something I still have to do,” they responded. Dave chuckled and asked politely “Well, do you mind telling me what you still have to do before we get started?”–“Like I just said, it takes only a second. I got this new game and I'm currently working on paying off my loan, in-game.” All of a sudden, the mood in the room had shifted. You could see DaveTheUseless being visibly shaken, with his eyelids snapping up, looking like they were being forced open by an invisible force, to an extent where you would start worrying that his eyes would just pop right out any second. Also, his pupils looked distressingly hyper-realistic. I shuddered. David took off his cap, revealing a swastika on his forehead. “Did you just say 'WORKING'?” David inquired. “Yes, why, is there a problem with that?” the oblivious, but somewhat frightened victim responded frivolously. “Oh, I'm going to smoke you, you fucking faggot,” DaveTheUseless uttered with resolve. The next thing I could make out were despairing screams and blood being splattered on the camera. After this abominable scene was displayed on my television screen in all its odiousness, I had to run to the bathroom to puke. After that I began processing what I had just seen with my very eyes.

Dtuskeleton

Now I knew the truth, what truly had happened. It is a tragic chain of events that led to this. It's almost too gut-wrenching for me to speak out. DaveTheUseless never lost a subscriber to that new Let's Fail! at Life video he made. The video was just a front. He lost a subscriber to himself and his homicidal tendencies.

Are you next?

Are you next?

ARE YOU NEXT?

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