Hello. My name is Jean Lecanopener, and I am a metalhead. As a metalhead, I have always loved the classic metal show on MTV Musical Television known as 'Headbanger's Ball.' It was a program that aired on MTV, which I already mentioned but feel the need to mention again, where they aired heavy metal music videos, and people interviewed actual heavy metal musicians. This festive demonstration of metallic eye guzzling lasted from the American 1980s up until 1995, due to the rise of grunge acts such as Nirvana, and alternative mainstream nu-metal outfits such as KoRn, Limp Bizkit, and System of a Down. At the end of the day, the show moved during the 2000s to Music Television's sister channel, MTV2, before finally kicking the bucket for good in 2012. Given that the world was supposed to end in 2012, I guess this isn't too surprising, given that the cancellation of this fine program ended my life. And then some.
Now, I know this is a recurring theme in the world of internet memes, but there IS a lost episode of this brutally facemelting heavy metal air guitar show. Given that I am writing a creepy story on the Internet, and a lot of people are almost certainly suffering from a coma as I'm typing this--therefore, I just revealed the plot twist to you, but you knew that one all along, did you not--I'm here to tell you the shocking tale.
I decided to update my musical taste from classic hair metal acts that we all love such as AC/DC, Dokken, Ratt, Accept, Scorpions, and pretty much all music that truly rocks my cargo shorts, because I felt the need to develop actual taste in the late 90s into early 2000s. Nu-metal acts such as Limp Bizkit, KoRn, Linkin Park, Mudvayne, Papa Roach, Drowning Pool, and System of a Down became my everything. I even started my own rap/nu-metal band called 'Square Bees', in which I did the rapping and my buddy, DJ Trumpwax, did the 'clean' vocals. My other band brothers included: Saget McFag, which actually means Danny McCigarette (who wears a Spiderman costume), playing guitar, Wolfgang Ratpack, wearer of rat costumes smeller of sanchez, in charge of turntable duties, and Dr. Zeus, who loudly and proudly eats creepy old green eggs and ham over medium, but rapes it during dinner time, as the provider of phat drum beats. We had been practicing gigs at bars, and just released our initial EPs, whil waiting for record companies to call us on our stylish toy Barbie telephones. We never could afford iPhones, due to our money problems. Thank you, Barry Soetero. Or was it the Orange Donald? Marco Roboto? Crooked Hillary? 'Teddy' Theodore Cruz? Feeling the Bern inside of my anus? Will Mitt Romney's Mormon monopoly money make America great again?! HUH?! HUH, PUNKS!?! #THIRDWORLDPROBLEMS
Anyway: after playing our first gig at the local divebar, Ronaldo's, we crashed at my $1,000,000 mcMansion. McSaget led my other friends to the living room, while I went down to my garage, only to find something... unexpected. I had discovered a VHS tape that was written on in pink lipstick, because I suddenly had flashbacks to being fucked onstage by the New York Dolls, but... I didn't worry about that, because I had turned a new leaf. I wanted to make alt metal and not worry about good metal. ... Regardless, the words on the VHS tape read in pink lipstick, "Hebang's Lost." I'd figured that it was a lost episode of Headbanger's Ball, and not just a catch-the-rapist scene from a missing episode of Chris Hansen's To Catch a Predator. Now, I would've just left the tape in the dust, but I was disheveled, I mean, morbidly curious. I mean, I was a huge fan of Headbanger's Ball, and that's what got me into creating my own band, Square Bees, in the first place. Heck, this heavy metal group was my Ratatoullie of metal, except it was Brian Johnson and Angus Young of AC/DC training me to be a musician, and not a cooking, talking rat training a failed chef! (Though that does sound appealing as well.)
Take me to Rio De Janiero.
I went over to see if my friends were still hanging out in the living room, but no: they had suddenly disappeared during my discovery. Strange. However, they did leave me a note in regards to the tape itself, saying: "Enjoy the episode. I hope you get new taste. :)" Well, HIPPIDY DIPPIDY DOE!
At this point, it was just me alone. I turned on my HDTV, since I'm rich, bitch; I hooked up the VCR, setting my co-ax cables, put the VHS tape in, rewound the tape (because I swear, these guys were not kind to this poor, poor, neglected piece of quality entertainment), and I reached for my Cool Ranch Doritos and Mountain Dew Code Red before finally, pulling out my VCR remote and pushing a-play.
Strangely, the episode began with a copyright date of 2015 in a drippingly blood red Cosmic Stans font, meaning that this episode was aired last year, as I was watching this, despite the show ending three years prior! Furthermore, I am not the biggest fan of Cosmic Stans. Limp Bizkit, I am a 100% fan of, but Cosmic Stans? Now that's just bad 4chan.
The host of the show, Riki Rachtman, who actually appeared during the '90s, was in this episode, despite that once again, this was a 2015 episode. I assumed that this was a reunion episode, but I also recalled that, when you assume, you make an ass out of 'u' and 'me'. As for Riki, he looked stoned, and out of his mind bored, like he had popped one too many Proszac pills. Not to mention that his hair looked messy, as if he had a bad hair day; and his penis size was extremely long as well. He even showed his dick on national television. Then he spoke in a monotonous voice:
"Hey guys. Welcome to Headbanger's Ball, where we give head with my metal pipe. I'm Riki Rachtman, and I don't know what music video I'm gonna show you today, because I'm already dead inside."
Give head to metal pipes? What kind of shit was this? I didn't realize they were going literal in that sense!
"Oh, wait. I just read the name of the first video off my cameraman's asshole. Here's the first 'music' video we'll show you: 'Crawling', by Linkin Park."
Now that song is not metal, which is unusual, but it's something I do like to listen to. What was shocking however was that they didn't actually play the music video for "Crawling", but instead played "Crawling in My Crawl," which is actually "Crawling," except more of a meme, and from a YouTube video, and it has Chester Bennington's face all over, and the audio was so distorted that it sounded like a Satanic ritual. I kinda chuckled at first, because maybe they were just playing a prank, but then in the next part, Riki was seen on the floor passed out, with visible drool oozing out of his mouth and onto the stained glass floor. He didn't move at all for the next 30 seconds, and there was nothing but silence. I questioned what was going on, and even considered calling the police before remembering that my Barbie phone was all out of batteries.
Suddenly, Axl Rose popped out and beat the shit out of Riki! Afterward, he sang "Shackler's Revenge" from his own band, Guns N' Roses, but changed the lyrics to be about Colonel Sanders forcing Ronald McDonald to eat buckets of his old-fashioned recipe chicken! Next, he gratuitously beat Rikki again and again between sucking his cock with a crazy straw for the remainder of the entire episode! "Now this is how you bang head against my balls, bitch!", he screamed excitedly!
When the program cut to the next music video, it was a mash-up of Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" and Thomas the Tank Engine's theme song combined in one, with credits rolling. That was all that was left as the content of the tape reached an end.
I stopped and thought to myself for a few moments... why?! Why did this happen?! I didn't want to see any of this! Did my bandmates pull a prank on me? Was it because I had no real friends, and my entire band was just a figment of my imagination? Either that or, did MTV decide they wanted to ruin my entire fucking childhood?! I just couldn't fathom this, it was the worst experience of my entire life! Though I did watch Gigli once. My whole career of being a rock musician was a lie! After finding batteries in my microwave, I tried to call the police, but they wouldn't believe me. They thought that I was an insane psychopath. They offered to take me to a mental institution, but I told them that that's what life pretty much is in a nutshell. It's the 'normal' people you should be afraid of.
I snatched the tape out of my VCR, and stormed to the garbage outside. I threw the tape into the trash, grabbed my matches, enjoy the sweet smell of sulfur, and then... I lit my garbage can on fire! Then, I grabbed a big bucket from the garage, rushed back outside, and as the fire got worse, I threw water at the garbage, pretending it was holy water, and yelled, "Get that demon spirit out, you goshdarned fucking cocksucking shithead poopie doopie mcdoodoo head!"
And... the tape was gone. No more. It had ceased to be.
The next morning, I had an obsession with actual hair metal, listening to AC/DC, Scorpions, Def Leppard, Accept, Motley Crue, and many, many more. I disbanded the Square Bees, fired my bandmates for being imaginary, and decided to watch actual Headbanger's Ball from the 1980s on YouTube. Because I'm a metalhead and a headbanger, I realized that what really counts comes from inside. Your metallic inside. Because I'm a robot.
Anyway, there's your happy ending. Oh, and one more thing: as for the Holo--