It was the last day of Passover. I had nothing left to do. My uncle Pete, dressed up as Hanukkah Harry, screamed at us to run downstairs and grab our presents. Most of us got really ordinary, but still kinda cool, things as our gifts. A basketball, a frisbee, a cheap video game, a dreidel. A box of cigarettes. My uncle always referred to smokes as 'darkies', for some reason. I guess that said a lot about his character. But as for me... what highly anticipated item did this character... myself... receive?
Well... I was horribly disappointed at the time. All I got was a tiny shoebox, with holes punched into it. I didn't want to look inside, and quite honestly, I didn't want the thing at all. It made me feel weary, concerned, unkempt... disheveled, to be quite honest with you. I just wanted to go straight back to bed. Besides, I'd been snorting cocaine for the previous three days and was just now starting to mellow down. Just kidding. Though Uncle Pete offered a few mounds of it to me. To sell.
So, late that night, after my downer-induced nap... I was sitting at the computer, and damn, was I ever so bored. Browsing the backpages of the Web was something to do, but I didn't want to end up as morally bankrupt as Uncle Pete--I'll spare you the details on the horrifying sexual activities you see behind the closed curtains of big Internet. And Uncle Pete's bedroom, that time I walked in on him and his fiance of 35 years. ... Anyway, after shaving off my neckbeard, which someone on 4chan told me I was disgusting for having, I was literally out of things to do. Except for... popping off the top of the box I had received as my final day of Passover present.
As you may have guessed by now: I did it. I flipped the lid.
And other than a tiny top hat and one of those wooden canes stage performers dance around with, it was entirely empty.
What a waste of my time and anticipation! I sighed to myself. Loudly. What a cruel joke to play on me, Uncle Pete! And grandma. It was from her, after all. Then again, she hadn't been the same ever since she graduated from high school last June, so maybe I should go easy on her. I hopped back onto the Internet and looked at photos of 18+ year old women, to try to clear my mind of the excruciating disappointment. It certainly kept me and my meat occupied... until I saw a banner ad. A banner ad for free ringtones, with a Crazy Frog on it.
Frantically clicking on the thing in hopes of alleviating my boredom, I expected to be directed to another website. But instead, my trial version of Windows Vista automatically downloaded a .exe. 'MichiganJFrog.exe', to be exact. My virus checkers went off instantly, telling me not to open it or that whatever it was would rewrite my computer's registry into believing Netscape Navigator was my default ARPANET browser. Regardless... I was impatient. And feeling more than a little bit... disheveled.
"FORWARD THIS .EXE TO 5 PEOPLE OR YOU WILL DIE!", the application stated in size 13, rainbow-hued Yu Mincho Demibold font. Well, who was I to say no? I e-mailed the .exe as an attachment to the five friends and family members I had over for Passover, along with an angry message about how they got legit presents and all I got was an empty shoe box with holes punched into it.
Little did I know that I had now spread the virus... and had doomed us all!
Listen, I don't expect you to believe this, but the wallpaper on my desktop turned a crimsony blood red all of a sudden. I realized this must have been the effects of the .exe, so I was unsure if my concern was yet to be warranted. Of course, that was until I learned why the .exe was named MichiganJFrog.exe to begin with.
The brightness of the crimson hue intensified, and well... I touched my monitor. I felt something oozy on my hands, and for reasons I can't explain I stroked my monitor screen and rubbed the substance all over my body, including my private sections. I vomited in disgust and almost wanted to cry, but... all of a sudden, the hue darkened out and it looked like things were returning to normal. Until it happened.
The classic Warner Bros. cartoon character, Michigan J. Frog, appeared on screen, top hat and cane and all. At first, he seemed to be fit as a whistle, but when he started singing like he does in the classic Warner Bros. cartoons, he...
... I really don't want to say this. It's disturbing, and it made me want to shriek like a little itty bitty Catholic school girl. But what I saw was... what I saw.
I saw Michigan J. Frog slowly, agonizingly drown in the crimson red blood, which presumably was his. The blood was so realistic that it was like it was hyperrealistic, or something. Which meant my entire body was now engulfed in... hyperrealistic blood.
I shrieked in horror, again and again, as if on loop. Michigan J. Frog's complexion slowly adapted again, and now... he was as white as a ghost. In fact, he was. And he had... something on his back.
"You laughed at me, but now I have tentacles." He did indeed have tentacles now. "I am 2 amphibians now, instead of 1! I am: SLENDER FROG!!!"
'Slender Frog', as he called himself... and again, I don't expect you to believe me, but whatever... did something I could never scientifically explain. He reached out of my computer monitor with his tiny frog appendages, and they enlargened to the point that they could grab me and choke me... and they did.
There I was, choking on Slender Frog's testicles--I mean, tentacles. I had a mental image of blood flying everywhere, and clogging my computer fan, exploding it. Between gasps for rapidly fleeting air, I realized that this was not how I was meant to go out. And if I did, who would believe my story?
I grabbed a fire extinguisher that I had installed adjacent to my ant collection. Either he was gonna go out tonight, or it was me. I raised my arm, attempting to smack him in the head with it Basil Fawlty style... but it was no use.
Michigan J. Frog, in his entirety, popped out of the monitor. His eyes were blood red, full of veins like someone who hadn't slept in weeks might have. He was a tiny little frog now though, and he had grown smaller all over in the process of transferring into the real world. I considered raising my foot and frogstomping him into tomorrow, but I was... I was mesmerized, when he started to sing to me. A sweet, sweet, tender love song... just for me.
"Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey
Hello, my ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my heart's on fire
If you refuse me
Honey, you'll lose me
Then you'll be left alone
And tell me I'm your own!"
I clenched my heart. At first, I thought it was because I was really touched by his sweet, sweet baritone... but no. It was because I was having a heart attack. Somehow, someway... he had poisoned his tune. I screamed to Uncle Pete to call for an ambulance, and he rushed upstairs... in wonderment of the singing frog, that is. He stuffed Michigan J. into the shoebox, and had him sing all over the world with his tiny tophat and cane to make millions of dollars. Unfortunately for Uncle Pete, he ultimately blew the money on blow, and his heart gave out after trying to snort it all through a straw, Scarface style. His wife, Aunt Edie, tried to pick up on his business, but the magic frog would decide to stop singing right before he went on stage, leaving her both financially and morally bankrupt.
As for me and the 5 people I e-mailed MichiganJFrog.exe to, we all had heart transplants. Unfortunately, the hearts that were donated to us were each others', and we all died that same very night.
So, once upon a time I was looking at Internet porn of sexy 18+ wimmenz, when I saw a banner ad for free ringtones with a Crazy Frog on it, so I clicked on it and I downloaded a .exe. Even though my virus checkers kept telling me it would blow up my computer I opened it with excitement.
"FORWARD THIS .EXE TO 5 PEOPLE OR YOU WILL DIE!"I forwarded it to five people and died anyway. Hyper-realistic blood filled the room and I drowned and died again. Then the program recognized that I forwarded the .exe to my 5 friends who I just met in the Trollpasta chat.
Michigan J. Frog appeared. "You laughed at me, but now I have tentacles." He did indeed have tentacles now. "I am 2 amphibians! I am SLENDER FROG!!!"
Slender Frog choked me with his testicles--I mean, tentacles. Hyper-realistic blood flew everywhere, and clogged my computer fan, which exploded.
Then I woke up.
Written by Cjaymarch84