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In a not-too-distant future- well, actually, in the not-too-distant past, and the present... somewhat, I've been a fan of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It was such a great show, because it features a human named Joel, which is replaced by Mike Nelson during mid-production of the entire series, and a host of two robots, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, going on an adventure to riff and joke around terribly cheap '50s movies. Hell, I even funded money for a Kickstarter of a MST3K revival. One of the greatest shows I've ever seen! However, if there's one thing that many people knew, especially the die hard MST-fans, is that there is a lost episode of the show, featuring the two robots and a human with their snarky, humorous comments.


A couple weeks ago, I was hired as a grocery store cashier, and I felt like shit. The government isn't giving me much money (thanks a lot, Obama), and I was only hired because I was doing a dance from the Fresh Prince at the meat aisle. One day, I was miserably scanning food for a customer, who looked like an angry, foul-mouthed German man. He complained to me that the prices aren't in Euros, despite the fact that he told me that he lived in America for 50 years. He even spray-painted my work outfit with a Swastika. God, that guy was so rude! But he left me a present; OH HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY! And no Pharrell, you're gonna get sued by Mudvayne for saying, "Happy." But yeah, the present he left me was a VHS tape with a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 logo, and a picture of Tom Servo and Crow. Now this is when I was in so much glee, that I left work early, and rode my small scooter to my apartment! I went to my TV, fixed the co-ax cables, and turned on my VCR. I rewound the tape, assuming that nobody was kind to this tape, and as usual, I pushed play!


When the intro began, it was normal. Promising enough. We see a blimp flying, the usual MST3K theme playing. But then, when we cut to the inside of the building, we see Joel, looking like he was insulted. He did not look at the camera, rather he looked down to his feet, and it seemed like he was tortured. Then, we see a rocket ship, but it looked like a dildo. Probably inappropriate for TV, but whatever. Then, the song turned into a rap version of the theme song, as Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit replaced Joel, and Tom and Crow were seen with gold teeth, and with gold money chains. I was really confused, but hey, I like rap too, with stuff like MC Yella, MC Hammer, MC Ride, MC Donald, and MC Mouse. Then, the dildo-rocket was seen crashing to the twin towers. What. The. Fuck. Then the theme song ended.


The episode starts with Tom looking disappointed, and Crow looking depressed. There was silence for 30 seconds. Then, Joel appeared with bloodshot eyes, and yes, he does look disheveled, shut the fuck up; and he screamed in agony! This went on for a minute or two, and I was shocked!


Then, we cut to Dr. Forester and TV's Frank smoking faggots, which you think I might be offended, but thanks to foreign oddities, faggots mean cigarettes, so I was happy. "Hey faggot!" said Dr. Forester, who for some odd reason, sounded unusually like a redneck. "Wanna watch tonight's movie, Nobody Likes Droopy Dog?" The scene cuts to Gypsy the robot being stabbed with a knife, and I was scared there! Tom, Crow, and Joel run as fast as they can to the movie theatre, like there was a fire, and the movie plays. But wait, Nobody Likes Droopy Dog, if I'm not mistaken, is a lost Droopy episode. Um... this doesn't sound good? Instead of them riffing, however, they were heard crying, and no, they actually sounded real. They weren't acting; they were really crying! Then, three minutes in the lost episode, I mean the Droopy one; we see Tom and Crow fighting, and Joel holding a gun, and shooting himself! WHY?! This is not MST3K I knew and loved. Then, the video stopped.


I was shocked. I had no comment. This episode... what the fuck?! Is this how MST3K ends? Or maybe it could be a satire? Still, what the flying fuck! I got so scared, I ejected the tape, smashed it with a hammer, kinda like some death metal song from um... I think it was Bizkit Cannibal Limp Corpse. Then, assuming as it was a demon, I poured water on the tape, took a Jesus cross, and yelled, "You demon! By the power of Jesus H. Christ, may the power of Christ compel you, you unholy, sacreligious shit!"


But then, I heard a knock on the door. I checked to see if it was police. I was worried, though I opened anyway. It was the same German man from the store, except more sinister. And guess what; he was actually Joel from the show! I feared in terror, I rushed to the phone to call the police, but he threw a ninja star- sorry, ninja swastika- on my hand. I was in severe pain. Then, he tied me up to the chair, and he grabbed his other tape of Nobody Likes Droopy Dog. And then, instead of riffing, I was scared. I fell in a coma, and the last thing I heard was a German giving a- well, obviously- a mystery science Seig Heil.


THE END

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