I adored SpongeBob SquarePants prior to the 2005 season. An animated cartoon on Nickelodeon, or dubbed as a Nicktoon, excuse me, that debuted on its channel on May of 1999, and still airs today, making this one of the longest running animated shows behind Family Guy, Arthur, South Park, and The Simpsons. When Stephen Hillenburg, the creator of SpongeBob, and a marine biologist, stepped down in late-2004, pretty much after the release of the movie, Paul Tibbitt, who also worked for the show, was promoted as the replacement as showrunner, and hired untalented writers, as well as writers that have their careers go as down as the acting career of Rob Schneider, making the new SpongeBob a COMPLETE and UTTER joke.
You see, it all started in 2008, a few years after Hillenburg called it quits. I was an intern at Nickelodeon Animation Studios, and I used work with these hairy, dirty, sadistic, untalented, egotistical writers. I was an intern so that I could live on my own while going to college, and I proved to my parents that I can work my ass off in making a living and become a cartoonist. Hey, I could be like Walt Disney, who knows. *sigh* It won't happen. And that's why I was stuck at Nickelodeon. The home of cancelling The Angry Beavers, CatDog, Ren & Stimpy, or Rocko's Modern Life, so that way, the network could make more money. Why? Viacom. That's why!
I had planned a LOT of episode ideas on top of my head. The one I planned was how Patrick becomes nice to Squidward, and does the same vein as the 1999-2004 episodes. That was not realized.
Eventually, on the same day as I planned the story, I took a break. I wandered through the workspace hallway, looking for my "WUMBO" coffee mug, which is where I came across a DVD copy of SpongeBob that was made exclusively for the network prior to the airing. "Who was holding it?" asked you. Well, it was one of the writers of the new SpongeBob, Casey Alexander. He pretty much stood there drinking coffee while looking into nothing like a retard. This was my perfect opportunity to steal the copy while he stares the space, and replace it with some Family Guy DVD, expecting to get something like a raise from the chairman at Nickelodeon. I even threw a water bottle at a security camera, and avoiding security guards, who were chasing after me.
I ran to my complex apartment next door to the studio, as I was ready to open the DVD. It turns out that the DVD cover was a poorly-made MS paint version of SpongeBob, like it was made by the same guy that made Dolan Duck or Gooby or something. In this picture, we see SpongeBob looking down at his shoes, disheveled, and pretty much had badly-drawn bruises on his left eye. That's not all, there were bold words in Comic Sans font saying, "New Sponge Episode. Leroy Jack Made This. :)" Now, I knew nothing about Leroy Jack. He's probably one of the employees at Nickelodeon. I'm not sure if he's a CEO or president of the network, then or now. I have no idea. Oh, and the happy face looked like Patrick from the show. I don't know why, so don't fucking ask!
I put the DVD on my portable DVD player, since I was too lazy to put this on my DVD player on my TV. It didn't work. That, my friends, is legitimately weird, since there were no scratches on the disc. I put it on my perfectly cool-looking Macbook laptop. Nothing. So finally, I put it on my DVD player on TV. Strangely, it played normally.
The opening theme to the show was weird too. It starts with a stock image of a pirate you would see normally in the show, with his lips moving realistically, but instead, we see George Jetson pictures which I assume that they were taken off of Google Images due to the minor pixels that I see. He says, "Are you ready kids?" in a similar vine of the actual pirate from the show. Hell, he even has the same voice! So anyway, after the p-I mean, "George Jetson" asks, the kids started laughing hysterically. These kids continued laughing as they sound more demonic, as it overlapped the audio for the animation of the intro, until the very end of the intro, where instead of SpongeBob playing his nose as a flute, he vomited through the screen.
After that... um... disturbing version of what seemed to be a loveable intro for a show aimed for a demographic of children, the title card read, "Oh Patrick!" while the background image of Squidward on fire layered behind the title, as we open up SpongeBob in a pineapple house, under the sea. As we see the house inside. And if you think the intro was weird, check this out! Gary the Snail was shown that he killed himself by placing a gun to his head and we see snail blood. Offscreen, we hear what seemed to sound like Patrick yelling in agony, "WHAT THE FUCK?" five times.
The next part gets more twisted and menacing. We see SpongeBob in the kitchen, looking unusually nervous, as he had photo-realistic eyes. That's not all, the animation on the character himself looked cheap like something off of a B-movie. He goes to the counter to find Kelpo cereal with Barnacle Chips on the side. While that happens, we see SpongeBob's hands, which looked like realistic yellow hands, like they were paper cutouts or something. Seriously, the animation for the character looked lazy, unfinished, and cheap.
So, SpongeBob gets ready to eat the cereal, until he looked at the clock of his wall and it said, 7:00am. He then said, "I got to clean up." and laughs. Unfortunately, it wasn't the trademark laugh we were used to. I assumed that this was like if Woody Woodpecker was diabolically laughing while an alien pops out of someone's chest. I know that it is Tom Kenny, the voice actor behind him, but in this one, he sounded like he was disgusted, tiresome, and even sad, sounding like Urkel from Family Matters having a stroke.
He goes to the bathroom, and as he gets ready to take a shower, he doesn't even turn the water on, he just takes a piss in the shower. He was pissing on two legs while washing hands... with piss! To add insult to injury, we see SpongeBob's yellow spongy penis. What? Nobody wants to see SpongeBob's dick! Not even on a kids' show!
So, he walks downstairs and runs to Patrick. You think in this scene, he would have the same voice from the episodes. Hell, even the same voice from the beginning where he yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK?" Strange to announce, it's not the same voice. He actually sounded like a pissed-off white trash German.
"VY HEIL SPONGEBOB, VILL VE GO TO ZE HOUSE OF SQUEEDWARD TO GO JELLYFEESHING?" screamed Patrick as he ran to beat up Sandy Cheeks, the Texas squirrel, as we hear realistic cries from her, and we see blood and gore, which some consist of squirrel organs, and I questioned if this was meant for kids. SpongeBob smiled like nothing was happening. Patrick then says, "I VANT TO MAKE ZE KRABBY PATTIES FOR DER FUHRER." I noticed right away that he said the leader in German, leading to the point that he may be related to the biggest genocidal maniac of World War II that killed millions of people, Adolf Hitler. But I know it's a common German word for leader as a whole, so I thought it was okay, and I sighed with relief. So we see Patrick go to the Krusty Krab, when it turns out that he was actually going to the house of Squidward Tentacles.
Squidward looked disappointed there and wanted to shove his clarinet up his ass like it's a dildo. Okay, I guess? Oh, but wait! It gets worse! We see a closeup of Squidward's anus as he literally shoves his clarinet up his anus! Jesus!
Patrick comes in, as I assumed that this came off of the idea that I pitched early that day, so somebody probably stole my idea. But anyway, Patrick said, "VILL YOU PLAY SOLITUDE IN E MINOR? IT VILL MAKE ME LAUGH HARD." Squidward said, "Who give a rat's fucking ass about that? I banged Rodger Bumpass up his anal pads." What? I mean, this is a goddamn kids' cartoon? And not to mention, he even said the name of the voice actor that played him, mentioning that he "banged" him. Huh?
Then, with an unknown fanfare or a hint of announcement, he took a gun right out of nowhere, probably his cock, and shot Squidward while smiling. SpongeBob comes out of nowhere while this happens, talking abruptly. "Patrick, would you like some... chocolate... covered cock?" This was the point that I really had to eject the DVD. The song, "The Campfire Song Song" played in the background, but instead of the word, "campfire," that world was replaced by "Dorito's taco" from Taco Bell, as if this episode was sponsoring Taco Bell. As this was going on, he immediately grabbed a Krabby Patty out of nowhere, and started fucking the Krabby Patty. SpongeBob followed suit. Then, they grabbed kitchen knives and stabbed each other pealing their skin to the Krabby Patties, as we see realistic sea animal skeleton bones.
I said, "I had enough of this bullshit!" I got ready to eject the DVD, when I saw the most nightmarish image of everyone's favorite childhood cartoon characters. SpongeBob and Patrick eventually go to the Krusty Krab and Mr. Krabs comes in jerking off in public without noticing. They... were in... a three-way orgy.
So finally, I got so upset, I ejected the DVD. I couldn't stand another minute of this terrifying lost episode! I threw it in the trash, and walked away, when suddenly, the DVD started talking, in an extra-terrestrial voice. "I COME IN PEACE." said the DVD, "I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME TO MY MAKER." I shat my pants that time. I mean, DVDs can talk? They come to life?! I said, "Uh... who are you?! Are you possessed? I can throw holy water at you in the name of Christ!"
The DVD screamed, "YOU BETTER TAKE ME TO MY MAKER OR I'LL SHOVE KRABBY PATTIES UP YOUR ASS ALONG WITH SQUIDWARD'S CLARINET." I ran away from that DVD as far as possible, but the fucker chased after me... with a clarinet! Well shit, it looked like a realistic depiction of Squidward's clarinet. IT IS! You think to yourself, "Big deal, it's basically real-life slapstick. You'll get over it." Not even. He hit me with the clarinet as HARD as he can several times, causing me to suffer in a coma. During that time, the last I heard was the DVD laughing sinisterly... at me, with the last thing I saw before closing my eyes and fainting being the DVD burning the apartment down with a match, which he had on for some odd reason, causing the residents' bodies falling down the floor and their remains burning to the ground in a morbidly grotesque way.
I woke up in the hospital. I thought I was in a safer place. I hear footsteps from the nurses. They opened the door, and these sexy beautiful big-boobed nurses (similar breast sizes you see from video game characters like Bloodrayne, or Lara Croft, or Samus, or Jill Valentine). Ooooh, they were sexy as hell. I mean, they have the same voices as the girls from those video games. So I guess, they exist? Anyway, it turns out they were holding Krabby Patties this whole time. They injected Krabby Patties to my heart, finishing off by putting stitches in my chest, for 14 and a half hours. It was a success according to the doctors, announcing to me that I have only have five days to live. The five days... the five days... I went back to my apartment, which seemed to look normal, like the firemen came in and fixed everything, blowing the fire out, or something.
On the first day, I told the internet via typing on the forums, and whatnot, on my most tragic nightmare ever. The second day, I went to McDonald's to order, get this, a pepperoni pizza. Day three, I made YouTube videos on how I'm suffering through my worst life... ever. Day four, I took my part-time job to babysit a little kid next three doors, watching *sigh* SpongeBob, although I turned away trying to not think of the lost episode I witnessed through, as with the possessed DVD. Which led me to Day Five. I got pissed off, it was the final straw and the last resort! I found the possessed DVD, which was laying on the floor that day for some odd reason. I drastically marched to Nickelodeon Animation Studios, demanding what was the purpose of making this god forsaken horrifying excuse of a DVD! All upset, I stormed in the office, not thinking about coffee, mind you, and I yelled to the man who was in charge of Nickelodeon, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH? THIS IS A MASSACRE THAT DAMAGED MY PROPERTY!" He said nothing, ignoring me. "WELL, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?" Still no response, still ignoring me. I had enough, I turned his chair around which revealed Tom Kenny, the voice of SpongeBob. It looked like he had snorted cocaine through his nose, and it looked like his skin color was yellow like he had leprosy and had a white and brown work suit with a red tie! He was accompanied by Bill Fagerbakke, who, if I'm not mistaken, is the voice of Patrick Star. He also had a different skin color than the usual skin color of a human. He was pink, wearing no shirt, gained 250 pounds, is bald-headed (or probably point-headed like a SNL skit of the Coneheads), had pimples and scars over his face, and he has the same pants as Patrick, purple and green all over. I know they looked menacing, but Bill looked worse than Tom. Tom makes his menacing maniac laugh like in the lost episode, not his usual trademark laugh, while Bill started to use a Krabby Patty to shove right on his penis, having sex! I was shuddering. A real-life giant crab comes in wearing the same suit from Mr. Krabs, and lunged Krabby Patties at me. I grabbed the DVD and threw it on Tom, Bill, and a giant realistic crab, when suddenly they, as well as the office itself, exploded with Krabby Patties. Resulting me fired, losing my job, and losing my apartment rent, but that's okay, because the US government hated me, and reached me to unemployment, so I moved to an unknown island.
There, I went down to the ocean, dreaming of being a marine biologist, as I try to not follow the footsteps of Stephen Hillenburg. But the life crew looked at me, had painted me yellow with holes, forced me to live in a pineapple under the sea, holding my breathe underwater. A loud fat Hispanic man used his water-proofed film camera to film me as his Hispanic kids laughed at my misery. I couldn't breathe underwater, I tried taking a breather, but ended up drowning and fainted again.
I woke up again, finally breathing out of the water. I was lying down on a strange collection of pineapple seeds, as I looked up and down, left and right, to realize that I'm in a fruit salad! There were Mexican cheese, green spinach, croutons, and ranch. "WHAT THE FUCK?" I yelled as I try to wake up from this shit-your-pants scary nightmare. It turns out it was not a dream. It was reality. Even more realistic than the eye can see. I walked down from the fruit salad, witnessing a huge Krabby Patty. I yelled constantly, "OH MY GOD!" up to the point when I screamed, "I'M NOT ZESTY! I AM TRAPPED BY A FRUIT SALAD AND A MOTHER...FUCKING... CHEESEBURGER!" A familiar German voice that seemed to be taken from a lost episode spoke to me, "NO NO NO NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. ZEES IS NOT A CHEESEBURGER. ZEES IS ZE KRABBY PATTY." It was giant size version of Bill Fagerbakke that I saw from the office of Nickelodeon. When I ran to the top of a Krabby Patty, trying to find a way out, he started lifting the Krabby Patty that I was standing on, as my heart started skipping its beats, and he put it in his dick, humping it the whole way, having sex!
All of this made me deeply realize that cheeseburgers, are pretty much... evil, as with everything I encountered. Maybe the nurses didn't have big breasts. Maybe I didn't sneak a Family Guy DVD in front of Casey Alexander. Maybe I didn't have college money or any education money. Maybe I didn't become a marine biologist. Maybe I didn't own a portable DVD or a Macbook because I am poor. Maybe I didn't type all this shit down. This was the correct term for me to say, we are not normal. We are insane. Stephen Hillenburg and Nickelodeon both lied to us newer and older generations alike. They didn't want to care about fun. You know, friends who do stuff together, you and me, anywhere and anytime at all right here in the deep blue sea. They just want money, which explains why Viacom owns the shit out of... this cartoon that lied to us kids and adults, the same company that brought copyright infringement to a new level on YouTube. I don't know! All I know is that we are not normal humans. We aren't even humans at all. We are skeletons. Nothing but skeletons. If you have a next door neighbor, or a family member, or a closest friend that you have, be kind by treating them as skeletons inside and outside. Because there will come a day that the skeleton is you. In fact, you might be skeleton that you already are. The credits rolled on my life, resulting the end of my existence, with the words...
"IN CHARGE OF NICKELODEON...
OSAMA BIN LADEN
LEE HARVEY OSWALD"
And prior to finding out who wrote and direct this, I shuddered, in deep concern. The poolboys told the bad news...
"WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY...
In other words, I wrote and directed this.