Does…anybody here recall Sonic the Hedgehog’s television show? It was a show that starred the blue hedgehog who battled the evil Dr. Robotnik for…some reason. There was a more serious show called Sonic Underground, but that one was overshadowed by the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, the show everybody knows. Maybe it was because it featured the voicework of Jaleel White as Sonic the Hedgehog. He was the guy who played Urkel on the popular black sitcom “Family Matters.”
My girlfriend and I were going through our old VHS collection when we found one VHS that we didn’t think we owned. At least, we didn’t remember purchasing it. Well, the whole box was full of old cartoons from the 80’s and 90’s. But this VHS was a little bit messed up. First of all, the cover was not like any other Sonic Episode I have seen. This cover showed Sonic in a constant frown looking out the window in some building that looked like a concentration camp. Dr. Robotnik also looked a lot more sinister and disturbing. Whoever had drawn him had taken care to make his feet look more demonic. His eyes were also red and bloodshot. Something creepy was going on with this tape, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. My girlfriend suggested we go into the living room and watch it, and I, being a beta male, agreed. We dusted off the Video Home System Player, or VHS for short, and put the tape on. As I watched with baited breath, the intro played. It seemed like a typical Sonic the Hedgehog episode. Not unlike many of the other ones, except what Sonic said at the beginning was strange. “I’ve…been stabbed!” He whimpered. Indeed, there were knife wounds and blood dripping out of his bloody body. He looked like a chinchilla that had been run over by a drunk a driver. Then tails started up. “Oh no Sonic, we need to take you to the hospital!” But there were no hospitals, and Sonic lay there as the voice actor, presumably Jalleel White, coughed and wheezed to death.
My girlfriend, strangely enough, was laughing as though this was funny. “Why are you laughing?” I asked her. Jalleel White sounded as though he had died. You could hear shuffling in the background as though the animators were entering the sound booth and trying to put his tongue back into his throat because he had swallowed it. “It’s really funny!” She giggled. Strange. I looked at her. Her eyes looked really sizzly. She was making me uncomfortable as she put her hand on my crotch.
I felt visibibly aroused even though she was over 220 pounds, so we continued watching. The scene cut immediately to Dr. Robotnik fighting with his robot chums. It was that little robotic monkey character. “Dr. Robotnik! The operation went exactly as planned! We stabbed Sonic to Death!” Dr. Robotnik looked at the little fucking monkey. He looked strange. His eyes were hot red and he looked a little bit disheveled. What he said next sent a shiver up my spine… “HEY CURIOUS GEORGE, I’M GOING TO RIP YOUR FUCKING COCK OFF!” I shuddered. The monkey just stood there. “EAT MY ASSHOLE YOU RIM NIBBLING HOMO SAPIEN! MORE HOMO THAN SAPIEN, YOU FUCKFACED BANANA HAMMOCK TWAT HACK!” At first I thought…maybe Dr. Robotnik was just insulting him, and truthfully, there was a lot of profanity for a children’s cartoon, but I became horrified as I saw him shoving the monkey into his asshole for sexual pleasure and excitement. I cringed. It reminded me a lot of the time my girlfriend made me do that to her. I became more creeped out as he pulled the monkey out of his ass, revealing it had died. I mean, granted, it was a robotic monkey, but I find it hard to believe the creators of this program would draw, animate and narrate Dr. Robotnik suffocating a robotic monkey in his asshole. Dr. Robotnik zipped up…well he was mostly wearing Spandex and a red thong and stomped into the other room. That bird character poked its head around the corner. You know, the metal bird. He looked tenaciously at Dr. Robotnik, as though he were afraid to open his mouth. There was some weird static in the background, I could hear strange masonic chanting as the Sonic voice actor continued to choke. “Dr. Robotnik, the vast majority of the other robots are appearing dead and or molested!” The bird clucked. Dr. Robotnik sneered angrily. “COCKGOBBLING FUCKNUGGETS YOU BIRD BRAINED DICK FUCK CHUCK I’LL FUCK CHUCK AND SUCK YOU IF YOU DON’T GET OUT OF MY GODDAMN DICK-DAMNED SEMEN STAINED OFFICE YOU CANTANKEROUS CLATTERING COCK MAGGOT FULL OF DICK CLUCK!” I shuddered. That was what my girlfriend had written in my valentine’s card last February.
She was still laughing and looked visibly entertained by this strange VHS, but I was thoroughly confused. I put my hand on her thigh, slowly escalating with sexual excitement and testosterone pumping through my veins. “I’LL MAKE HAMBURGER MEAT FROM YOUR PUTTY DICK YOU COKE SNORTING COCK SUCK!” He was yelling at the driller character now, and also shoving him up his ass. He seemed to be shoving most of the robots up his ass and stomping around the laboratory with no rhyme or reason. “DO YOU LIKE MY THONG!” He screamed, erotically. “IT’S MADE FROM ONLY THE FINEST…BLUE HEDGEHOG FURRR!” I shuddered. Dr. Robotnik was indeed wearing a thong made from the bloody corpse of sonic, with his two bloody googly eyes dripping down Dr. Robotnik’s ass crack with visible gore and blood.
I was disturbed. Concerned. Maybe even a little frightened. “Oh yeah…” he groaned. “Do the spinball…” He murmured, and the animating drawing began to quiver. I shuddered. Again. The Tails character came in and gave a look of severe confusion and horror at the sight of his best friend having been made into a thong. “This isn’t happening!” Tails yelled. “I HAVE HEPATITUS C!” Dr. Robotnik screamed. He wandered naked down the street, laughing to himself and killing various animals, only stopping to urinate and let the piss trickle down his leg. “EAT MY TAINT!” he squealed. The taint is that spongy place between the genitals and the anus. “TAAAAAAAINTT!” he yelled. My girlfriend was laughing, and laughing, and laughing away. I couldn’t take it anymore, I shut the tape off.
That was the worst thing I had ever watched. I felt…abused. Mentally molested. I felt as though someone had shoved their dick in my ear and scrambled my brains like a soft boiled egg. I mean, I always liked Sonic the Hedgehog, but that wasn’t at all the family friendly entertainment I was used to.
My girlfriend began to cuddle up to me. “I’m sorry baby. I thought that was funny. But maybe I can make it up to you…?” She smiled at me. Well, I was visibly aroused as she could feel the lump in my legs on my inner thigh. Truthfully, we’d been in a relationship for eight years and I hadn’t slept with her because I wasn’t keen on making sexual advances. She smiled at me and licked her lips. It was so sensual, I had no choice but to give her my vestal body.
I slowly pulled her pants off, feeling her velvety… thong? Yes indeed, she was wearing a crusty blue thong, not unlike the one that Dr. Robotnik was wearing earlier in the tape. I put my hand on her right butt cheek and reached down…
And reached down…
To find a throbbing two inch cock and balls. I squealed in horror and fell backwards, spilling my coke spritzer all over my cat clocks. “No!” I screamed. It couldn’t…be… no. She lifted her nose a little, revealing that flesh-toned make up had been covering what was now very obviously a bushy…orange mustache. She took her wig off, revealing that she had a bald, pointy, egg shaped head. She ripped her dress off, revealing it was all a shitty Halloween costume and the Dr. Robotnik suit was underneath. She ripped her shoes off, revealing red shoes. And she ripped my heart out with what she said next.
“Ha ha fuckfaced donkey fuck! Your dick is mine you cockgobbling knuckle-fucked fistula! I’VE BEEN TUCKING THOSE WALNUTS UNDER MY ASSCHEEKS FOR EIGHT YEARS YOU FUCKFACED PENIS PUMPING MOUND OF DICK FUCK!” No. No. No. This didn’t make any sense! We were together eight years. She had cosigned for an auto loan.
Dr. Robotnik had been consistently giving me oral sex for eight years. I had been buying Dr. Robotnik flowers and candy. “LET ME SHOW YOU MY REAL MEAN BEAN MACHINE!” he hissed, removed his pants and tried putting his two inch penis into my mouth before I pushed it away and left the room.
Well, I haven’t seen Dr. Robotnik in weeks, but there has been a fat man driving around my house staring at me. It’s probably him, whoever it is he’s been yelling obscenities and kidnapping various ducks and squirrels around the neighborhood. He also abducted my two pound chijuaja, Belladonna 3, and my dad said that a fat man came to his house and showed him his asshole, but I didn’t believe it. Maybe I should have believed it. And yeah, I called the cops, but they said that Dr. Robotnik, if he existed, would not be subject to United States Law because he was a citizen of Emerald Hill Zone. Truthfully, I just want my ipod back. I honestly feel like this whole thing was a ruse to steal my ipod. Kind of a shitty plan, considering his IQ is supposedly 300. I mean to go from world domination to just trying to steal my fucking ipod. Eight years. What an asshole.