Written by Schizima.
Ever heard of those "lost episode" things? They say it's a messed up episode of a show that's been changed or removed from a show's original lineup. Well, you probably know with just a little bit of research and due diligence that most of these "lost episodes" are fake. Right? Right? Maybe it's just easier to see the world that way, to put it in a paper bag where everything is safe and controlled. There is a lost episode of the Cosby show that DID air. In the episode, Bill Cosby becomes pregnant due to eating strange mushrooms and gives birth to a submarine sandwich out of what is presumably his vagina. I am not making this up, you can look it up. Season 6, Episode 8, The Day the Spores Landed. This episode most likely confused and scared test audiences. In fact, the ending was tacked on as being a dream later in syndication because the producers didn't want to ruin the show's canon. Do you still think these "lost episodes" are fake? But how did that episode end up playing, when most of them get pulled at the last minute? The answer may horrify me.
Now look, I'm as much a pro in the creepypasta community as anyone. I don't always call people out for their bullshit, but when I do I wear a hat. I have blonde hair, glazed eyes and wear a buffalo wings t-shirt. I'm a professional in the creepypasta community, one of the top dogs in the creepypasta community. I always thought lost episodes were bullshit too. Then I found it. I was at the time the quintessence of indecisiveness, and was perusing the DVD section of my local Blockbuster. The store was going out of business, and having a blackout sale. All the DVDs were $1.00 and they were passing the savings onto the consumer. Now me, being a huge member of the creepypasta community, know that the only acceptable creepypastas are Squidward's Suicide and There's No hope. Cliche after cliche, platitudes out the ass. I scratched my neck and walked to the back of the store, in the "comedy section". One was a VHS of Ghost Dad starring Bill Cosby, and another was a Friend's VHS slipcase. The two were taped together. Now I'm not a fan of Friends, but Ghost Dad was a great film. I bought them both for $1.00, thinking I had gotten a great discount on some amazing family entertainment. Boy, was I wrong.
I still have a VHS player because I like to watch Simpsons reruns. I popped in Ghost dad, expecting to enjoy a great movie. But this VHS wouldn't play. Enraged, I realized the store had a black out sale and was gone, as was my precious dollar. I figured the other VHS must work. Now, I'm not a fan of Friends. There's an episode of the show in a cabin that's just...a little fruity. And I'm not talking about pineapples. I picked up the Friends VHS and slipped it off, only to find that the VHS cover had a picture of Bill Cosby making a funny face. It would've been funny, if not for the highly superimposed image not being airbrushed. His eyes looked a little bloodshot.
I ventured to watch the tape, knowing full well that there may have been something odd about it. Boy, was I correct. The first two minutes are really creepy. Bill Cosby walks into the dark set and dances around, swaying his head, lifting up chairs and snickering. There's something spidery about him, as though he's full of spiders. It's dead silent and the room is dark. He looks like something is terribly wrong with him. He thinks of something and starts giggling. He dances about some more and then he slips on some green liquid on the floor. He painfully smashes his head into the side of a chair, which breaks, and he lay on the floor, smiling, with fake blood dripping out of his head.
Bill Cosby wakes up screaming in horror! His wife tries to comfort him. The scene lasts only three seconds then cuts immediately to Cosby in the kitchen. Theo is seen eating a submarine sandwich while Mr. Huxtable begins to cry. "It's time for breakfast!" Bill yells excitedly. He opens the shelves, revealing row after row of Jello and Jello pudding. "Do you want your jello puddin!" He yelled excitedly. He opened the fridge to show all of the food was jell-o pudding as well. "I want tacos!" Rudy exclaimed. Bill Cosby paused. The camera zoomed deep, deep into his face, as though there was something he was going to say. He became disheveled, and his highly realistic eyes became even more highly realistic, filled with anger the likes of which he never showed on the show. A vein popped out of his neck. "We're having jello." he stated, firmly.
The scene immediately cut to a disheveled Bill Cosby sitting on his couch with a dead-eyed stare. He was wearing an old A Perfect Circle t-shirt with those little holes t-shirts get from years of use. I had no idea Bill Cosby was a fan of A Perfect Circle. Rudy screamed. Bill got up, feeling very greasy and dirty. He ran over to the garbage can and stomped his foot violently. He picks nothing up and puts in the garbage. "We have to do something about this spider problem." He declares, angrily. He looks at the wall, where nothing is. He yells at the wall. "Get out of my house!" He takes off his shoe, and throws it at the wall, and then just stands there. He fumbles in his pocket for some note cards, throwing most of them away. A taxidermied wax copy of his own head was over the fireplace in the background. He smiled at his family. "Do you like it?"
"It's time for the big chili cookoff!" He yelled intensely, and sent everyone into the other room. There was a little boy with blonde hair in the living room. He had glasses on and was holding two more pairs in his pocket. Bill paused for a moment, then counted. He got everyone excited, then picked up the little boy and threw him out the window! He used such propulsive force that he cracked out of the glass and kept going. Bill immediately ran over to the window and violently nailed it shut. "Spiders." Bill said. "Giant, radioactive spiders are coming for us. Put on your tinfoil hat." He made the whole family put on tinfoil hats. "Let's all have some jell-o pudding!" Bill said excitedly.
The family looked terribly malnourished. They had eaten nothing but expired jello pudding from the looks of it. Someone slipped a piece of paper under the door in the kitchen, which Bill Cosby read. "Ahh!" Bill Cosby screamed. He slammed a broomstick into his wife's face. She fell backwards behind the counter. "Why did you do that?" Theo yelled. "Her face was covered in spiders!" Cosby screamed. There were no spiders on her face. I was starting to think that something was wrong with Mr. Huxtable. He started to spray bug spray behind the counter while his wife's legs lay there, unmoving. "Hu nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh!" Bill Cosby blew a raspberry and slapped his face. He was snickering to himself while the other two just stood there, confused. Theo and Rudy moved upstairs, leaving their mother down there. Bill had left some pudding chili on the stove, which was actually just pudding, which burned away and began to become molten hot, like pudding.
Bill walked out in a Harry Potter outfit and a wand. "It's time for the Halloween party!" He yelled, excitedly. I now noticed that there was no laugh track, and indeed the scenes were a bit darker because of it. The lighting was also terrible, most of the time you couldn't even see what was going on. "Watch out!" Bill screamed. Presumably the bed was covered in spiders. Bill's eyes became beady as his daughter clung to his arm. She had three keychains of little barbie dolls attached to her pocket. He paused, and a vein popped out of his neck. He looked very stern now, very serious in a way that he'd never been on the show. It was more like the work of a dramatic actor as he stared down at the little girl clinging to his leg. "You know, you just can't trust anyone." He said, sternly. Bill put his hand on Rudy's shoulder as Theo grabbed her and ran into the other room. "It's not supposed to be this way! Someone taped over the ending!" Bill yelled.
Bill Cosby put on a Spiderman costume that he found in the closet. It was really dirty, worn and ripped. "It's ok!" he yelled, lurching through the hallway like Spiderman. "Let's have some milkshakes!" They had run into one of the bedrooms and locked it from the other side. He knocked on the door politely. "It's daddy! Open the door for daddy!" Rudy went for the door but Theo grabbed her. Bill kept trying to websling the door, but nothing came out of his arm. He looked disheveled. They picked up one of those old types of telephones that used to be connected to a landline. "9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?" "Our father's insane! He's trying to kill us, he thinks we're all spiders, we think he's gone mad! I think-" "Ok, I want you to unlock the door you're in and go into the hallway." "What?" "Listen to me." The voice said. "Go out into the hallway." Theo grudgingly opened the door. "It's always a good idea to listen to your father." The voice became very Bill Cosby like, and smiled over the phone. Bill dove forward, grizzled, and started hitting Theo with a rolled up newspaper. "Ow!" He yelled. They ran in the other direction, down the stairs. Bill Cosby tripped at the bottom of the stairs and lay there. He fell headfirst, to the sound of a hideous crack, as though he had broken his neck. Blood was pouring from his head.
The scene immediately cut to the family eating a breakfast of jello pudding. The wife was nowhere to be found. Theo and Rudy were sitting there, nervous. "Who wants baby sausage links!" Bill yelled. He was drinking a beer, his favorite. "What if life itself is a dream? After all, those who are dreaming barely acknowledge they're dreaming. And for those who see it otherwise, the extended cast and crew merely call them insane, because they're part of the dream." It wasn't baby sausage links, it was jell-o pudding. "It's Cinco De Mayo!" Bill yelled, hitting a spider-shaped pinata with a plastic bat. Instead of candy, creepy plastic spiders fell out, the kind you'd win at Chuck-E-Cheese for 30 tickets in the early 90s. Bill had a tremendous bandage on his forehead. He noticed his daughter was using a sewing kit. She looked rather spidery. "Maybe it's just easier to see the world that way, to put it in a paper bag where everything is safe and controlled." He said with a sigh, and threw a chair at her! He chased everyone in the house around, slamming and breaking furniture. It was hard to tell what was going on because the camera man wasn't bothering to film any of it. Half the time you only saw jello pudding smear the walls. "I FUCKING STARRED IN GHOST DAD!" He yelled, blowing raspberries. "Ptfttthhh" The family lay dead on the floor. "Let's all order a pizza!" Bill yelled excitedly.
The screen went to black as Cosby made fish faces to the sound of screaming children. I'm not sure what I was looking at now. It was some formless Bill Cosby figure with a retracted jaw, lifting each of the cast members up and carrying them away. It looked like it was made of papier mache or something. "Wake up and see the world for what it truly is." A voice whispered. The house burned down and collapsed, black smoke filled the screen, the sound of screaming could be heard as the smoke enveloped the screen. "Where is my child?!" He yelled. "Where are my children!?!" You could hear the crying of the actor's voice as he broke down. I'm not sure if it showed him pregnant, but you see him clawing, clinging to the submarine sandwich, reaching for it and crying. "I understand now, what the figure is. It's not exclusive to this, or us, or any one story. It's-"
The scene cut off. It was the normal show now, or what I could only assume was the normal show. This part was clearly taped over, edited for syndication but then re-edited. His son Theo walked out excitedly. "Have you see dad?!" Theo said. It was weird, it was like I had seen this scene before. "I was playing a prank on dad!" Rudy giggled. "A prank?" "When he was relaxing in the bathtub, I poured sixty packets of Jell-o mix in with him!" "Where is he now?" Theo asked. Rudy shrugged. The final scene was somewhat disturbing. The camera slowly panned to the bathroom door, which was open. Water was running from the tap and had overflowed a little, but it was only dripping. The tub was solidified with jello. Bill Cosby lay in the tub, frozen like a dead deer under permafrost. He had become encased in the jello, preserved like a piece of fruit, for all eternity. His eyes started out, cold, dead. Years, years ago. The tape kept flickering. There was supposed to be something else. The jell-o logo faded into the corner, as the screen went black.