We all remember the original The Legend of Zelda cartoon. It was made sometime in the 1980s and was beta-tested as a cereal before Nintendo cancelled it because of a secret ingredient that made all the kids' tongues turn purple and caused them to go through puberty faster than a perpetually friendzoned young man who had just discovered Goatse. Anyway, it took many, many years and years before Nintendo gave Netflix a chance to bring Zelda back onto the silver screen. And the following is the reason why.
Parental discretion is advised.
I was a janitor at Nickelodeon Studios. I loved my job, but I got fired for sticking pencils up my nose and telling startled children that I was a walrus who must have sex with their mothers in order to return to my original form. I had sex with one of the patron's mothers and it turned out she was just 17, so I got fired for that. 'Scrub all the floors in Hyrule', my boss, King Harkinian, sentenced me to. I'd sooner scrub all the spiders out of Candy Crowley's vagina. Regardless, King Harkinian locked me up in a dungeon for a week in which I only got to eat bread and drink beer and maybe got ice cream if I was good. And afterwards, I did exactly what he wanted me to do. I scrubbed all the floors...
As luck would have it, the last floor I had to scrub in my hometown of Hyrule, Wisconsin was the DIC headquarters. Bet you didn't know that Dic was actually HQ'd in lil' ol' Cheeseville! Anyway, I spray painted a 'K' onto the building's plaque directory and snickered to myself before spraying my seed all over it. I also ejaculated all over the lobby camera, so no one would ever know it was me (keep in mind that there was no YouTube yet, so I wouldn't have been able to upload the video even if I wanted to.)
After washing my sticky fingers and remembering that you only need a condom if you're having sex with another person and not just your hand, I scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed all my way to the office of the CEO of DICK. Suspiciously, she looked like Metroid from the classic NES-based retro video gaming series Metroid, but maybe that's just because she had a suit on.
"Did you get that thing I sentcha?", she asked. Well, no, I responded, as I had no work related or otherwise personal relationship with this person and never met her before, so why should I? She shrugged and gurgled half a can of Mello Yello in her mouth before reaching under her desk and telling me to come closer. After forcing me to touch her penis and rub it in a circle, she handed me a VHS tape labeled 'The Lost Episode of Zelda: Twilight Incest'. I vomited in disgust after reading the title and asked if I could just leave, but she reminded me that King Harkinian would likely order I be executed if I didn't continue washing this very last floor of Hyrule. So, I had no choice.
I got done about half of the floor when she decided to lay outstretched on the half that was still dirty. She cooed and fanned herself with one of those dollar store hand fans, which was strange given that she was still in her uniform. "I won't let you finish your job, Benji, until you do me... one more favor." She zipped open her space suit and out popped a midget with a cigar. The midget was covered in what appeared to be fecal matter, and he suddenly choked and coughed and turned green and... he died. I felt bad for the midget before realizing that she was yet to utter what her request was.
"Open the closet.", she teased. "Take out... what you see."
Now golly gee, what could that all be about? I expected to find some office supplies, or maybe the pony named Epona I had asked for for my sweet sixteenth birthday (my stepdaddy bought me a pack of smokes instead.) But instead... there was...
A VHS player.
"Plug it in, plug it in!", Mrs. Wally Bear Nogang shrieked at me. Well, I didn't want to end up back in the dungeon prison, so I had no choice. Since her body laid out over the dirty side, I had to plug in the system on the just freshly cleaned side that I'd have to scrub all over again. I attempted to shove the VHS tape into the player, until it dawned on me that I was actually shoving a box of chocolates that my illegal Mexican lover Consuela gifted to me after the border police caught her and sent her back to a rough life of rancid tacos and Montezuma's Revenge.
"I used magic to return the tape to my desk!", Wally giggled. She jumped up and sat at her desk and reached underneath it, and this time she forced me to suck her cock. It tasted kinda like a blend of mashed potatoes from a Swanson TV dinner and marshmallow pieces from a decade-old Lucky Charms cereal box that got lost in some musty old warehouse. Anyway, she kept her promise and proffered me the tape, and after washing off my lips in the lavatory I popped the thing in and pressed the play button.
Oddly enough, the play button looked kind of crude as if it was drawn in that Comic Sans font that I once used on my graduate school dissertation. I got an A on it. After the school board made me suck all their dicks.
The The Legend of Zelda cartoon theme song played as normal. The only difference was that, instead of Link begging Zelda for a kiss at the end, he asked Zelda what she would do for a Klondike bar. Zelda made a horrifying expression as if she was in excruciating shock and pain, and the tape went to static as the power went out. Luckily, before I could get off my ass and hit the light switch, the tape came back on.
I could never fully explain how spine-tinglingly chilling what I saw next was.
Pictures of dead children flashed so quickly that I was surprised I could see it and not just people like Superman, with x-ray vision. I was scared out of my wits and almost shut the tape off before I remembered that King Harkinian would sentence me to a life of being his personal chef, and that fat elfy fuck would probably force me to cook him dinner around the clock. Realizing I had no other way out, I continued watching the VHS tape.
The King of the Zelda cartoon invited Link to his throneroom, and he had bloodshot eyes and his nose was crooked and he had rings around his eyes and he let out a loud and obnoxious fart. He looked... disheveled. "Link... what you did was wrong, but even I can forgive it. Even if she is no longer alive to see it..."
Link rolled his eyes in sort of an exaggerated cartoon way... and then he pulled them out and screamed at the top of his lungs before sticking them back into his eye sockets! At least that's what Wally told me. I was too busy checking if my Tamagotchi had starved to death to look up and notice.
The king coughed rather obnoxiously. "I have a request", he added, in a royal tone.
Link's pointy little person ears tingled as he could only anticipate what his future father-in-law, or so he hoped in his virgin dreams, wanted him to do. "Hey. I scrubbed the toilets, won the hot dog eating contest, and called Gannon a bastard child whose mother gave him up for adoption because the prostitution couldn't pay for child care. What more could you ask out of me?".
This time, the King rolled his eyes. "I want you to bomb the Mushroom Kingdom."
Now, the first problem is that that last line sounded horribly spliced together, as if someone took stock footage and slightly altered it to make it say something it otherwise never would. The second, and obviously more important problem, was that the Mushroom Kingdom did not exist in the Zelda universe. But I'm sure Metroid knew that, because she had visited it so many times in her 8-bit NES adventures... right?
"Please don't manspread.", Ms. Wally Bear Nogang said to me at that exact moment. I flipped her the middle finger and compensated for her rudeness by fantasizing that I tied her to a tree and whipped her until she bled, while she lapped up her bloody flesh wounds with her tongue and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Aw, yeah... yeah babe...
Then it hit me. The daydream came crashing down. Think about it. I mean, just think about it. I was hanging out with Metroid herself, watching an episode of a television show/game series that took place in her very own retro video gaming universe. Clearly, she already knew the events of this tape, and there was some sort of shocking truth that would be revealed to me if I kept on allowing this torture to ensue.
But the dilemma: she wasn't going to allow me to finish my community service unless I did.
Realizing I didn't have much say in this matter, I continued watching. Link attempted to make a visit to the armory, but his visit was stopped short by a guy who looked like the bastard child of Gonzo from the Muppet Show and Al-Qaeda's Osama Bin Laden. "There is no time! Your sword is enough!", the obviously hostile terrorist commanded to the famous green fairy queen.
At this point, you'd expect there to be a fight scene between the two, but no... like the rest of this tape, nothing made any sense to me at all. It's just... not what happened at all. Instead, Link and Bin Laden debated Einstein's theory of special relativity, and how the mathematics of quantum mechanics and general relativity contradict at the molecular level. This went on for an hour and twenty-two minutes, making this episode a six parter.
You know, I guess it's all kinda predictable--I mean the Legend of Zelda video game series is always the same story retold, right, so how could we not memorize it-- hell, in part four, the infamous demon pig Gannon appeared. He was wearing a backwards cap, a pair of sunglasses (despite being indoors), and a bloody t-shirt from the hot dog eating contest that Link allegedly won. Gannon put together a hot dog sandwich (a hot dog with the bun split into two as if it's two pieces of bread, giving it more of a sandwichy vibe) and munched down, holding a sign in one hand that said 'screwball', with a picture of a screw in a baseball. "What a maroon!", Gannon remarked. If only he realized the irony that he, a pig, was eating a nutritional byproduct of wasted pig matter.
In part five, Link lifted his sword... but he was not to slaughter pig Gannon. Instead, he received the golden triangle of wisdom by teaching a fish about the bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima. The golden triangle of power, he acquired by blowing up a tower maintained by the land of Hyrule's oppressive credit card companies. The triangle of courage... I don't know, but I think he fondled a chicken. It was disturbing.
In fact, this whole tape was disgusting, and I was losing my patience and my mind! I felt my brain start to bulge out of skull, even! In reality, I'm sure I looked like the Brain from the classic Pinky and the Brain animated cartoon series, but it wasn't because I was getting smarter--it was because I was having a nervous breakdown.
"Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ma ha ha ha ha HAAAA!", I laughed maniacally to myself, like Wario from the... Wario series. Ms. Nogang was clearly frightened, and she begged me to stop and learn the shocking truth that we all evolved from rats and no matter how enlightened we become, it's rats all the way. But no. I adopted an upper-class, British aristocrat accent, took a smoke from my pipe, and informed her that I was anything... but a rat.
I was a custodian.
A custodian with needs.
And demands... an adventure. An adventure that would link it all... together...
I picked up my broom and screamed out of sheer joy and elightenment. I ran to the roof of the DIC headquarters. I tried to play a song with my mop as if it was a woodwind instrument, and it tasted like a combination of pepperoni pizza combos and four month-old diarrhea. But it all mattered not, for I knew my aerial escort would be awaiting for me.
And after waiting for twenty or thirty years... there he was! The man with the purple turban! He flew in on a magical flying carpet, the winds carrying him as if he was standing on the shoulder of giants. I jumped onto the magic carpet, and admittedly, it dipped a little because I am fat and it had trouble holding my weight. Luckily, because it was magical, it was all O.K. "Allah! We're off!" screamed the most wanted man in the Americas.
At this point, I'm going to cut the crap and make a long story short. I'm on my way to Mushroom Kingdom, Ohio. I know what you're thinking, and believe me, I get it: I know what I must do. I must carry out the mission of Link, right? I have to bomb the Mushroom Kingdom. The King's orders.
Listen: I know it's scary, and I know I may never be coming home. I'm gonna miss the sweet, sweet cookie dough ice cream of King Harkinian's dungeon, because I am going to die. Because I have to die. I mean: 576 brand spankin' new ice cream flavors await me as my holy reward for sacrificing myself. How can you expect me to say no to that?
If you're unsure, I can't blame you.
Because the answer to that question... is a secret to everybody.