Oh the X-Men, an animated cartoon series of the '90s that aired on Fox Kids, and is one of Fox's animated shows for the kids program block to be based off of Marvel Comics superheroes. You know, the Uncanny X-Men? Here's something uncanny that I gotta tell you, in a fucked-up sorta way.
I had a goal in my life as a small child to be a radio disc jockey. I studied more and more on how to be a DJ. I went to college to study more, and then I got hired in 98.1 KORT, a local Oxnard, Wisconsin radio station. It's suppose to be a rap/alternative station, you know, so yeah. The other day while being a DJ at the KORT studios, I was ready to leave since I got a raise from my boss at the studio. As he gave me a raise, he found something that was in the ground in my boss' office for some odd reason, and I want you to guess. No really, guess. What the fuck could it be?! That's right, a goddamn VHS tape. Okay. Now here's where I said, "Even though I want the money, I'm more curious about the tape." So, he gave me the money and the tape.
I then got in my newly equiped 1967 Chevy Chevelle car, drove from the radio station to McDonalds to order a McRib sandwich. While driving, I noticed something a little bit strange... there was a man driving, with long claws, half-naked, blocky haircut. He was following me! I drove faster, well, not fast FAST. I just want to avoid the police giving me a ticket, just like how I'm avoiding this fucker that keeps on following me!
So finally, I was a McDonalds, trying to order a McRib at the drive-thru. I was ordering the food when I hear from the drive-thru speaker that it was the voice of an old English person in a wheelchair. Hell, I pulled up, and it was him! He looked pissed off even! I assumed that he hated this job so much, and he wanted to quit his job right away and get unemployment checks. He then yelled in his monotone English voice, "Get the fuck out and take that bloody McRib with ya! Or else I will shove it up your arse." I got scared at this point, I didn't pay him or take the sandwich with me, as I immediately drove out of this drive-thru.
Maybe I could go to somewhere else... oh where can I eat now instead of McDonalds? Hmmm, maybe Burger King? Wendy's? Jack in the goddamn Box? Carls Jr.? White Caslte? Checkers? Domioes Pizza? Little fucking Caesars? Fuddruckers? Subway featuring the fatass retarded fuck named Jared? Del Taco? Pizza Hut? Quizno's? Papa John's?
Well eventually, the last drive-thru restaurant I suggested to myself was Taco Bell. So I said to myself, "Fine, I'll go to Taco Bell. I'll probably order a $0.99 taco." I did, but as I pulled to the window, there was a blue naked lady, with orange hair. No, it wasn't Smurfette from the Smurfs. No, it wasn't a character made from the piece of shit James Cameron movie that its title ripped off a Nickelodeon cartoon show. No, it wasn't Dr. Manhattan's wife with a huge vagina. No, it wasn't even the rejected Blue Man Group member! I shrieked immediately! She was hissing. A lot! So I threw the money at her, grabbed the bag of tacos, and drive out of the Taco Bell.
At long last, I got home! The guy that had long claws and was following me parked in the neighborhood, and I could tell because I saw it a mile way. But, it didn't matter. I was home, I pet my three adorable little kittens, I called them my little children, by the way, wink wink, named Bobo, Baba, and Bebe, all of them were Siamese cross-eyed cats. I pet them, and they were purring, because they smelled the VHS tape that I was holding.
So finally, I turned on the TV, put the tape in my VCR (the VHS player, for those not in the know), grabbed my remote without hesitation, and pressed play. So finally, the episode begins, as I sat down and watched the X-Men animated series that I sincerly enjoyed when it aired on Fox! And yes, I was eating tacos while I was at that.
We begin with something unusal. We see the opening, but instead of the rock and roll '90s synth music theme song, we hear a song taken from the underwater stage from the first Super Mario Bros. game. And instead of the mutant superheroes from the shows appearing as normal, based on the comic, and later turned into the movies, and all of them are loved by all, we have Wolverine looking a little confused, Rogue looking a little nervous, Deadpool looking disheveled, Storm looking disgusted, Mystique looking depressed, Quicksilver looking like he wanted to wretch, and Iceman looking worried, up to the point where we see the professor and teacher of the X-Men class, Charles Xavier, holding a Mountain Dew soda, and enjoying it like nothing. Top it all off, we see Magneto in the background, vomiting blood.
The logo appears in an unusual juvinielle Comic Sans font. You know, the font that everyone on the internet despise so much.
So we begin the episode with Charles Xavier putting his face down in his desk. The animation itself looked cheap, lazy, and more over, unfinished, since the drawings, especially in this scene, looked like a 14-year-old high school doodle, and Professor Xavier when he gets his head off of the desk, he has photo-realistic eyes. "I'm about to teach the class today." said Xavier as he finally moved his wheelchair and go to the classroom where the mutants learn to save the world.
In the classroom, we see the mutants looking uneasy. "Professor Xavier, we have to get out of this classroom, man." said Wolverine in an unusual voice of a late-'60s hippie. "We got to go right this instant!" Strangely, his voice quickly turned Scottish while he was speaking. "Why?" questioned Xavier. "It's because Magneto is about to hijack the airplane so that he could destroy the World Trade Center as we know it!" Wait, wait, wait, wait! Airplane? World Trade Center? Did this cartoon predicted 9/11? Well, I kept watching anyway. Maybe this could be an interesting plot. However, my spark of interest was gone already, since they were predicting the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, even in a kids cartoon!
I also noticed that there were a lot of Pixar references. Like for instance, Xavier was holding a Buzz Lightyear toy. Maybe it was an X-Men episode promoting then new film from 1995, Toy Story, I don't know. Maybe there could be a Pixar movie idea, of which a little mutant cannot provide powers, so he has the ability to drink Mountain Dew. Hmmm, I should write that down.
So now, the mutants turned on the television set, and we see modern day news footage of a speech from president Barack Obama, which I find funny since the attacks didn't happen till 2001, and Barack wasn't president until January 2009.
"I don't like the sound of this!" said Mystique. "How are we gonna get rid of Magneto now?" said Xavier. "I just fucking told you that we got to stop him you retarded numbskull fatasses!" yelled Wolverine. Yeah, in this episode, he cursed, and there were no censor bleeps. It's like if the FCC didn't mind this episode at all.
Xavier then travels the mutants by his own first class plane. It flies to New York City, and we see Magneto on the airplane that he was hijacking, and shocking enough, he was with Osama bin Laden! He even wore the same clothes as him! Hell, he also had long facial hair that's the size of him!
Inside the plane, and this is also a frightening, these airplane passengers, stewardess, and the two pilots of this aircraft were just semi-realistic, animated drawings of skeletons! The skeletal passengers were wearing baseball caps saying each various disasters all in capital letters and in Comic Sans font, such as, 9/11, BOSTON MARATHON BOMBINGS, PEARL HARBOR ATTACKS, LONDON BOMBINGS, COLUMBINE HIGH SHOOTING, SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SHOOTING, JFK ASSASINATION, HURRICANE KATRINA, AURORA MOVIE THEATRE SHOOTING, SWINE FLU OUTBREAK, PEDOPHILLIA, OKLAHOMA BRIDGE BOMBINGS, THE EBOLA OUTBREAK, THE VIRGINIA TECH MASSACRE, THE HOLOCAUST, COLUMBIA AIRCRAFT DISASTER, WAR IN IRAQ, THE OIL SPILL, JAPANESE TSUNAMI/EARTHQUAKE, BESTIALITY, MLK ASSASINATION, and many others. They even have their shirts of each disaster based on the caps they were wearing which was, I'M IN THE ILLUMINATI, also in Comic Sans font. They yell the color pink as Magneto and Osama both laugh out loud. Oh, and on their airline movie was a lost episode, Nobody Likes Droopy Dog.
While this is going on, Wolverine breaks in the airplane with his claws. Just when he was about to stop Magneto, Osama bin Laden threw bombs at Wolverine, causing him to explode in a heavily realistic way. This was when Magneto and Osama had a grotesque look on their face. I had a grotesque look too, I threw up my Taco Bell taco out of my mouth due to how sick this was!
I had enough! This has gone too far at this point, I went ahead and ejected the tape. I didn't want to continue my whole afternoon watching... what the fuck this was! "Finally, I'm done watching this shit." I said to myself.
Then, I heard a knock at the door. Who could it be? Well, there was a half-naked man with a blocky haircut, and long claws. It looked like the guy that followed me to the house. Fuck me, it is! It's Wolverine! With him is an English wheelchair person, who was the same person that I saw earlier at a McDonalds. It was Charles Xavier. They were also accompanied by George Jetson from The Jetsons. Oh my god, these people were real, and two of them were identical to the cartoon!
George Jetson took his pants off, revealing his three-testicles. While this waa going on, he shoved his testicles to my mouth, only to reveal himself as a sexy blue naked girl who I saw at Taco Bell. Shit, Mystique? Goddamn it all to hell!
Wolverine said, "Give me your fucking VHS tape!" in the same voice as the cartoon. I ran to my car as fast as I can! However, Xavier sends out Quicksilver to run faster than me while sending out Storm, from out of nowhere, just to tase me, like a dog on a leash. Mystique turned into Jaleel White as Urkel from Family Matters, which I actually expected, and he said in the same voice as White, "Did we do that?" as she sinisterly laughs out loud while snorting like a pig. Before my eyes shut in a coma, I saw Quicksilver and Wolverine laughing along while Charles Xavier was holding a faggot (which is an old-school vocabulary word meaning cigarette) as he was smoking said faggot, and the words come out from its smoke saying,
I woke up from a coma, only to realize that I am trapped. Sitting in a desk next to a mouthfull of mutants. Oh no! I'm in the class of where the X-Men learn. The flock of X-Men, not just Xavier, Wolverine, Mystique, Quicksilver, and Storm, but Deadpool, Rogue, Iceman, Kitty Pryde, and Sabertooth, came to the class so they can learn how to turn themselves from X-Men into C-Pastas.
First, they demonstrated how to turn the lost episode VHS tape, yes, this is the tape I was talking about, into a number of boxset DVDs of Family Guy, with George Jetson being the main dad of the show rather than the fatass Peter Griffith, or Griffin, or whatever the fuck he's named, in every single DVD cover. Second of all, they learned how to turn into skeletons and shout out the word, "PINK!" for a various number of times. Thirdly, they all forcefully eat the McRib sandwich from McDonalds, only to reveal the fourth and final task...
"What was the final task?" asked you, that is if you were actually asking...
The final task is to raid the city of Oxnard, Wisconsin! First stop there, McDonalds. Then, Taco Bell. Lastly, my radio station! I though X-Men weren't evil. Last time I checked, they were the good guys. Oh, sorry, I meant C-Pastas, because they turned into the creepiest pastas you ever see.
I mean, I took a close look, these guys were... Chalres Xavier is Jaleel White/Urkel, Wolverine is Droopy Dog, Quicksilver is SpongeBob, Sabertooth is Barney the Dinosaur, Kitty Pryde is Meg from Family Guy, Iceman is Ronald McDonald, Storm is Miss Frizzle, Rogue is Tim the Toolman Taylor, Deadpool is Hank Hill, and Mystique is Bob Saget.
Other mutants were Garfield the cat, Filbert Turtle, Hulk Hogan, LeVar Burton, Mr. Rogers, The Beatles, Yogi Bear, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Bart Simpson, Fred Flintstone, Bugs Bunny, Ed, Edd, n' Eddy, Mr. Ratburn, Pat Sayjak, Dudley Do-Right, Woody Woodpecker, Beavis & Butthead, The Cat in the Hat, Teletubbies, The Angry Video Game Nerd, Inspector Gadget, Mordecai and Rigby, Honey Boo Boo, Mario, Crash Bandicoot, Scooby-Doo, Howie Mandel, Mega Man, Pooh Bear Man, Fry, Donkey Kong, Kenny McCormick, Francine Smith, Mickey Mouse, Jerry Seinfeld, The Smurfs, George of the Jungle, Fred Figglehorn, Tommy Pickles, Pee Wee Herman, Al and Peggy, Eminem, Superman, Doug Funnie, Pikachu, Pokry Pig, Chandler, Tom Bergeron, Finn and Jake, Steve and Blue, Wile E. Coyote, Regis Philbin, Shrek, Mr. Belding, Tom and Jerry, Scrooge McDuck, Fraser, The Berenstein Bears, Uncle Phil, Archer, Big Bird, Jared from Subway, Gumby, the policeman from COPS, Charlie Brown, Arnold and Helga, Wario, Beetlejuice, Godzilla, Max and Rudy, the Gnome, the Taco Bell chihuahua, the black kitten, the Papa John's killer, Mr. Bones, and even, their REAL academic leader of the C-Pastas.... *gasp* GEORGE JETSON!
I'm sure there are more people, but I'm more concerned that they would murder me, and destroy the city of Oxnard, Wisconsin. I tried my best to find my cellphone to dial the police, but then I realized that somebody stole my fucking cellphone. In addition, the C-Pastas piled up like the military base. They all want to murder me as they tie me through a rope in a log, putting me in the log factory, where it had a saw. You think it would be like some crappy old silent film or ridicolous cartoon, where a dansel in distress is frightened that he/she had been strapped in a rope, heading for the log factory to killed, as he/she whose trapped would call help. Sure, you think this is just fucking cliched and corny as hell! Not even, oh NOOOO! I felt like I was about to vomit! I was THAT. FUCKING. SCARED!
I closed my eyes, just to at least have someone save my ass. Not even. I hear gushing guts and boiling blood, in the most realistic manner possible. Mind you, I did NOT see, I heard. This led me to wake up in an insane asylum! Strapped in belts, everything was quiet, the floor was similar to a moonbounce. Looking out the window, I saw the city being rampaged. Kinda like how Christopher Nolan visioned the city being rampaged in one Batman movie. I don't know if it's The Dark Knight Rises, but um... yeah, anyway, Oxnard, Wisconsin was not only in a horrible stage, but it was in an outright war between the C-Pastas, and the citizens of said Oxnard, Wisconsin.
They already destroyed my house, as well as my neighborhood, they burned my 98.1 radio station down to the ground, they closed every McDonalds, Taco Bell, and other fast food restaurant chains out there due to the C-Pastas claiming that they were "food poisons," and Emergency Alert Systems went off to alert that Oxnard is no more. C-Pastas would then use a legion of dancing pink skeletons with top hats, canes, and they would wear pink shirts saying, "THE ILLUMINATI IS REAL IN THIS GODFORSAKEN WORLD!" in extremely big, incredibly bold Comic Sans font. I turned my head back, sat there, and started to cry in tears. Which is why nobody is safe.
And now, you know how much the uncanny X-Men was just a mutant superhero team that weren't superheroes. They were just complete liars. In our hearts and in our bones. The original company behind X-Men, Marvel Comics, lied to us old and new generations alike. They weren't legendary superheroes that would save history or be who we are. They were people from the devil. No wait, actually, I stand corrected, they weren't, because people from the devil would actually be mutants. No, they weren't mutants! They were skeletons! Just nothing but skull and bones posing as mutants so that the comic book business and even its merchandising like the movies and the TV show would get a load of money for their entire run.
My life of loving X-Men has been officially ruined. My life as a whole has been ruined.
Fuck everything. I want to die.
A PROHIBITTHEBASTARD/TVBROBOTNIK/TVBISHAYLEY CREEPYPASTA.