I was working as a bell hop for the Books Hotel. A 4-star hotel in Pennsylvania that everyone goes to, either for vacation or if nobody has a place to go. While working with a man that's dressed like Crash Bandicoot to a hotel room, I saw that he was holding a VHS tape, that said, as I read it as clear as the dawn of light, The Muppet Show Lost Episode, typed in the horrible Comic Sans font, and has a weird copyright date, which was 2012. Funny, Jim Henson died a few years ago, so that makes no sense. I asked for the VHS tape, he said no, so I snuck behind him and grabbed the tape from him without noticing, as I ran to my work room.
Of course, nobody was in the work room. I was alone. So hey, maybe it was the day off and I didn't get a day off. I'm more excited about watching The Muppet Show on VHS! I hope it's funny! Well, the spark of hope was gone when I set up the TV, put the tape in the VCR, and pushed play.
The opening had Kermit the Frog, in the letter O in The Muppet Show Logo, looking disappointed. He then yells in a more aggressive tone, "It's the Muppet Show! With our very special guest tonight, Crash Bandicoot! Wooooooooo!" and instead of him cheering, he vomits out red meat from his mouth. Then, the show starts. We begin with Kermit and Miss Piggy arguing, like some type of marriage argument, and then when Kermit speaks, he says, "We got a great Halloween Special tonight!" Wait, was this really a Halloween special? Curiously, I continued watching. Then when Rizzo the Rat appeared on the screen, Miss Piggy yells at him out of nowhere, "I'll show you how to make a Halloween special!" as she grabbed a propane tank, out of nowhere, and shoved the valve into his mouth! "Buck Strickland, forgive me for using propane for this." said a voice of Hank Hill, out of nowhere. Wait, was that the voice of Mike Judge, or an older man? Was Mike Judge even popular yet?
The second skit was with Gonzo, standing on one leg with a noose on his forehead, while holding a skateboard. "For my next act," said Gonzo, "I will shove this skateboard up my fucking ass!" Woah, he cursed! And shoving the skateboard up his ass? That's inappropriate for a family show. And guess what, he literally shoves his skateboard up his ass! He yelled, "And next up, I'm gonna vomit blood!" and he vomited blood and red meat. I'm starting to think that this isn't a real Muppet Show episode, let alone a Halloween episode. We cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony. Statler said, "Man that sure was a pasta." Waldorf asks, "Well, why did you say that?" and Statler responded, "Because it wasn't creepy enough!" and they laugh.
Next up, Fozzie Bear came to the stage, and with a weird, angry German accent. "What do you get when you make the lost episode?" he yelled. "By putting this episode on VHS!" Wait, you mean this lost episode? THIS EPISODE?! Oh my god, I can't bel- well, I guess it was more of a satire. Then, he ran and kicked Rizzo the Rat, and we see highly realistic blood and gore, which could hurt Jim Henson and his family to tears. This is when Animal was fucking the drums, and Miss Piggy was crying out of nowhere.
The next part scared the shit out of me, and I mean, FOR REAL. (I hope red meat didn't come out of my ass)
We see the Swedish Chef, but instead of talking in a nonsensical Swedish language, he had a voice of a black man (which I didn't mind, I mean, I'm not ethnically racist or anything) and talked like a member of the gang. "Listen up, motherfucker!" said he, "I'm about cook some chicken! Some fried chicken? And turn them into creepypastas, Let them suck my dick!" What's with the cursing? Last time I checked, this show was for the whole family! I guess not. So he grabs a muppet chicken, and cuts it up with realistic gore. He impales the head, breast, and two legs of the chicken and eats it raw! Gross! Then, he puts a gold chain on, and wore gold teeth, and hard to believe this but, he starts rapping, as he takes out his boombox and a shitty beat plays.
Yo, I'm the Swedish Chef and I'm here to tell y'all, Do not eat at McDonalds or Subway, eat at Taco Bell, y'all Because they have tacos that will make y'all shit your pants Since them motherfuckers are 99 cents!
I typed the lyrics up in Comic Sans, While screaming bloody murder to my fans, As I read the book, The Catcher of the Rye While masturbating to Family Guy!
Meg Griffin from the show is a super skeleton! And I am Mr. Bones and I weigh a ton! $576, suck my dick! Do you wanna watch an episode of The Tick?
Ride Mr. Bones' Wilde Ride and then I'll fuck you, Just let me go ahead and eat my shoe! I'm the Swedish Chef and I got a dollar bill To buy a skeleton costume, for this ain't a drill!
Then, Gonzo appears out of nowhere and starts screaming, "OH MY GOD!" and shoves the Swedish Chef's knife up his ass! "For my next act, I will screaming bloody murder and cry for The Tick. Does anyone remember that TV show of The Tick?"
Then, Crash Bandicoot appeared. Well, actually more like the guy that I stole the VHS tape from. Wait, it is him! Hell, he looks like him except more sinister. Kermit comes in and introduces himself to Crash, but then Gonzo screams in agony some more! Statler and Waldorf appear in the balcony again. Waldorf said, "Looks like Gonzo is like an onion!" and Statler said, "Yeah, and that's why he has layers!" as they laugh, but more sinisterly. We cut to Crash drinking Mountain Dew soda, assuming that he's promoting Mountain Dew.
"It's not easy being green." Kermit said out of nowhere, as he took a knife, and peeled his skin, only to reveal real life frog guts. The episode then faded to black, as I saw was a demon version of Crash, in the center of the screen. He said, "Happy Halloween, muppet fuckers!" The last shot of the episode was with Kermit shooting himself with a gun.
I questioned myself on why I saw this episode. I mean, what was this shit? The final episode of the Muppets? This was how they would end the Muppets? I mean, what the fuck?
I hear a knock on the door. It was Crash Bandicoot. I tried to contact the police as he said, "No way to get to the phone. You're now a muppet." I raised my left eyebrow, question what he meant. And yes, it means that he's gonna turn me into a muppet. He grabbed the strings, trying to choke me, and I froze. Looks like I am a muppet.
He tangled me, and slammed my head to the wall! And the last thing I saw, before fainting, was Crash Bandicoot drinking Mountain Dew. Well, as the old saying goes... obey your master.