Pinky and the Brain is a cartoon from the 90s. It starred an evil mouse and a sub-30 IQ one, and they plotted evil and shit for who knows what reason. Some suggested that their cause was world domination, after analyzing the symbolism in the cartoon in search of a Master's thesis topic that could get them through their mail-order universities' create-your-own-degree programs. And those imaginary students were right. It was later learned that the creators of the show were into BDSM, and they later disowned the cartoon after realizing they had revealed their fetish to the world by projecting themselves into anthropomorphic rats. Or mice. Whatever, I don't wanna disrespect those characters. It'd be like if I called you a turtle. ... Fuck you, Lisa Turtle. You should've accepted my obsessive gestures when we were still young and at Bayside High...
Regardless: I stared down at my TV dinner. Chicken, potatoes, corn, and that piece of black magic that fluffs up in your microwave. It's probably plastic, but they call it a brownie. As for me... I'm also brown. And ready to pop from the way life has fried up my own nerves. Let me continue on.
Desperately hoping to figure out where my life went south, I skimmed through my VHS tape collection. 'Pinky and the Brain: The Penultimate VHS Classic', one of the tapes read on its label. I went to pull the tape out of its cardboard sleeve. It had been splintered over the years, just like my soul was. I consciously cut myself on the edge, giving myself a piercing papercut that I licked in hopes that I had struck blood.
Obviously, the tape slipped from my hands at this point. It would've hit the floor, but I had my TV dinner prepared... sitting right where I knew the tape would land, as a safety valve. Fried chicken grease, mashed potato starch, and half-frozen brownie slop splattered all over the picture of Brain the mouse's head, body and asshole. I felt like there was a message somewhere in this incident: something about life, or at least mine. But I couldn't figure out the secret message. Just like I couldn't figure out a reason worth living. If only life had a secret decoder ring.
At this point, I realized I had my VCR sitting sideways. The proper way to sit your VCR is vertically, so I readjusted it and put the tape in. A few minutes later however, the tape popped back out. It was burnt. Steaming hot. Volcanic to the tips of my papercutted fingers. The tape had melted into some kind of liquid waste. It seemed that, like all things I touch, I had ruined this tape, and any chance of figuring out how I ended up the failure that I am today. I sighed deeply, and applied another shattered piece to my wrist. A piece of a Scooby Doo collectable jar I got as a Happy Meal toy years ago, that is.
Luckily, I had another Pinky and the Brain tape. 'Pinky and the Brain: The Lost Episode', it read in Size 26 Segoe UI Semibold font. Strange. I didn't recall there being a lost episode of Pinky and the Brain, and since I found it, I guess it was no longer lost. I wish I could say that about me and God.
Now, suddenly, right before my eyes, the title metamorphisized to 'Pinky and the Brain: The Once Was Lost But Now It's Found Episode.' At this point, I realized that God was probably real and watching over me, so I was no longer sad.
Still, I realized that my VCR must've been broken, so I went into the kitchen and popped this tape into my emergency VCR. I opened the door and tossed the tape in, setting the timer to 5 minutes and 76 seconds, which I guess comes out to 6 minutes and 16 seconds if you have no life and care about the accuracy of the facts I tend to tell you in these things. After sitting around waiting and masturbating against my doctor's orders, I finally heard a DING! sound. The tape... was fried. Its insides were melted... again. Yet again... I had fucked up. Just like father always said I would. In exactly this way.
But wait. What was this? A voice... right behind me!
"Here, take this.", a voice that somehow reminded me of Orson Welles said. I turned around. Now, I'm not sure how he got in, but a man with a large head who was otherwise a midget noticed me and proffered me a gift. There was a stern look on his lips, and a strange, vile happiness emanating in his eyes. "I came back in time to give you this." It was the tape I just had--now in perfect, fightin' shape--and some sort of strange device. "It's a VHS player.", the midget hissed.
Well, I set it all up and what do ya know, it worked. I told the midget that he was intruding on my property and he had to go home. He told me he had no home, and I said, don't we all. He said that's not true because apparently I have a home and he doesn't. I told him I'd be willing to keep him as my slave, and he bent down and started sucking on my cock before I could inform him he was not that kind of slave to me. Seeing how I had just masturbated, I was not in the mood for anyone to even think about my dick, so I grabbed him by his collar and threw him outside like the intro of The Flintstones or something.
While I was in the process of beating up the time traveling homeless man and telling him to get a job even though no one would hire a homeless person obviously, he told me that he had already experienced my rejection of him when he had visited me in the past previously, and that I was going to pay for my disobedience and horrifically foul moral values... with my life. I unwisely ignored his warning, and was just happy that after walking back inside, these antics had taken so long that all of the pre-episode commercials had played, and the tape was already up to the show's theme song.
It was already altered from the classic theme song I had come to know and love as a young'un.
"They're Pinky and the Brain
They're Pinky and the Brain
One shoots blanks with his semen
The other's into chains
To get their hormones out
They perform bondage a lot
Pinky and the BDSM-loving master-slave
And as the classic 'dn' followed, I went to press eject on the VCR. I was disgusted that they would put any sort of sexual reference into a children's television program! Then I realized the irony, as I was an adult watching a children's television program. I guessed it wasn't my right to judge. I let the tape keep rolling.
The episode began with the two mices... or mice, whatever... standing around in their cage, on a laboratory desk. An envelope on the desk was addressed to show that the episode took place in New York, New York. New York City, New York State. 10108.
I blanked out and thought about how the Internet exaggerates the goodness of the flavor of bacon. By the time I was back into enjoying the animated program, the two mice were in the middle of what appeared to be a titillating conversation.
"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain. But why did the Twin Towers fall that way if they were just 'flown into'?"
In a fit of violent rage, Brain bitchslapped Pinky across his face! Pinky's two front teeth graphically and violently flew out and landed in some lab tech intern's snickerdoodle ice cream cone. He proceeded to eat the ice cream until he accidentally swallowed Pinky's teeth--I guess thinking they were chiclets--and choked on them until he died! This sent a chill down my spine. Luckily, it was a warm day and I was wearing my parka, so I didn't mind feeling a little cold... but this was still... strange.
"No, stupid. We're going into the cryogenics chamber and reviving the greatest genius of all-time."
"Dudley Do-Right?", Pinky unintelligently mumbled this time. I cringed and covered my eyes, anticipating what would happen to him next.
"Ah, who needs you?", Brain responded. He was clearly pissed off, and it looked like a vein was about to snap in his neck. I thought he was going to just hit Pinky violently again this time, and because I have an anxiety disorder I was too scared to watch. Yet, I peeked through two of the fingers that were supposed to cover my right eye when... I saw what I saw.
There was another cage sitting next to the one Pinky and the Brain were standing in. Inside of it was a snake that, compared to the two, was as gigantic as a brutha's inflated penis. Noting that the bars of the cage were actually far enough apart that the two could escape at any time they wanted to if they cared to, the Brain lifted Pinky and tossed him out of their cage and into the horrifying creature's! The snake didn't hesitate to rip its fangs into Pinky's brain, as non-animated and actually very life-like blood and guts flew onto and engulfed my entire television screen! I almost wanted to lick it just to see it was real, but I only tasted my own blood and didn't want to risk getting an STD. So I just... I stayed scared.
I opened up the door of the VCR and checked the part of the label of the tape that was still visible. It now said 'The Brain: The Once Was Lost But Now It's Found Episode.'
Now, I know what you're thinking. And I feel like I said this before, but I'll say it again anyway. I'm no Galileo. I'm no Sheldon Cooper. I'm not even Basil Fawlty. But there's one thing I do know: when it's wrong... that's no good.
This time, I went to finish the job of ejecting the tape. I got up from a very comfortable position, even though both of my legs had fallen asleep, but I woke them up and darted straight over to the player. I hit the eject button, and then again, and again and again and again. But... it just... didn't work.
"I don't work either.", profoundly stated the mysterious voice in my head. It was the time traveling homeless midget from earlier! And now he was dominating my thoughts, just like he wanted to dominate me in bed!
"Leave me alone!", I screamed. But it was no use. The large-headed dwarf did shut off my TV, but in return he... he projected the episode into my mind. It was like I had a TV implanted into my brain, and there was no way of shutting it off, like it was Xbox One DRM or something!
"The only way to win is to kill yourself.", Mr. Smalls snickered. Well, shit. I just continued watching the tape-in-my-mind instead.
The Brain had opened the door to the laboratory basement by attaching a string to a Dr. Seuss's The Gromlick themed pez dispenser. I'm guessing there was some kind of joke about that, but again, I tend not to understand those kinds of things. "Beats four more years of Bush", the Brain mumbled to himself before laughing. That explained why I didn't get it: I'm not too good at political humor.
The Brain switched on a light switch, and hopped down the stairs with the greatest of glee. Seemingly systematically, he opened a book he found on a downstairs desk. It had a swastika on the cover. It was a rather crude looking one as well... as if it was drawn in Comic Sans font or something. ... Obviously, this was a logical fallacy, as there's no way Brain's tiny hands should've been able to open a book, but that's when I remembered that I was watching a cartoon.
"Your face is a cartoon!", squealed my midgety master. Again, I just couldn't find it within myself to disagree.
Brain went to work, searching within the book for his answer. "Let's see here. Frozen people... frozen people...
Walt Disney? No... him being frozen is just a myth. Nick Costi? Hell, not with what happened last time. George Jetson? Isn't he just make believe? Damn it, damn it, damn it...". The Brain cursed to himself, which wasn't very genius-like, given that cursing is for small minded people whose small vocabularies didn't grant them the ability to describe stuff like they wanted to. (Those fucking imbeciles.)
"Hester Crane? Damn it, I give up!" Brain slapped the book closed as a dust cloud formed and a fart sound was played to provide a dark humor vibe or something. Despite that, this episode wasn't funny at all: you knew that his inability to find the right person was just building up to some sort of great suspense, and I didn't want to be around to figure out he was actually looking for. Yet I had no choice but to keep on watching... even if I closed my eyes, the master midget would keep playing the tape in my mind.
The Brain put his palm under his chin to think. A few seconds passed and I heard some staticy noise, and I was beginning to think that this episode was just a professionally done college prank. But then...
There was a hand. A hand poking The Brain in his back, for acknowledgement, and...
and I screamed.
There, on my TV in front of me...
... was Adolf Hitler.
"Brainy mouse! Your creators have already set me free! And soon I will leave this tape and conquer the real Earth with the master race... before you do!"
The Brain stared back at him in horror. "No, no, no! You have to go with the gig, Mein Fuhrer! We have to pretend that this is just a show! Because if he knows... then they know..."
"Too late! It is all too late! But the Third Reich appreciates your dutiful sacrifice to mankind's advancement!"
And... he did it.
Adolf Hitler stomped on Brain the Mouse, as blood, guts, tiny pieces of bone, and whatever else you name went horrifyingly flying into the TV screen again. And this time... it was close that I could taste it. The blood. The guts. And the bone.
"Do you still wish to drink blood now?", the midget man patronized to me.
I gasped for air, trying to get the disgusting taste of mouse crap and innards out of my mouth. "Is it over? Is the episode over?", I pleaded.
"The episode will soon be over. Because the world will soon be over. And I will complete my master's BIDDING!", the midget man passionately explained.
I stopped. I paused. I went to brush my teeth, and more of the flavor of death had finally started to leave my mouth. I jumped on my bedroom couch and just... laid my head down, full of anxiety and not knowing what authority to call to inform of the rebirth of The Third Reich!
As for the TV show itself: the ending theme played, and the episode finally ended. My eyesight was back to normal. One of my toe was covered in brownie slosh that looked kinda like mouse droppings, but as that just reminded me of Pinky and the Brain's deaths more... I just let out a painful, saddening moan.
And just then, there was a knocking on my door. Given that this time it wasn't an unwanted intruder, but somebody with manners who had knocked like a gentleman, I was kinda happy to have a polite visitor. I wiped my tears on a period-blood stained Dunkin Donuts napkin... and then went to let the stranger in.
... Bob Saget!?
"I know all about it. Let's sit down and talk about it a little. Let me guide you in life, Michelle. That's what I'm here for."
We made way for my couch, and it was I, sitting in his lap. as if I was his son and he was actually Danny Tanner in real life all along.
"You see, Michelle... life's full of challenges. Hitler will return soon, and the Jewish people will be eliminated if you don't do what's right."
"That's right. Here. Take this."
With that, Bob Saget handed me a knife. I used it to try to cut an apple for him, but I accidentally slashed into my hand and bled a lot more. I knew that if I didn't bandage it up or otherwise seek proper medical treatment, I would meet a sad fate.
"Let it bleed.", Bob Saget sang to me. "Let it bleed, let it bleed, let it bleed, Michelle, let it bleed..."
The strangest thing was that the Rolling Stones actually wrote a song called "Let It Bleed", partially as a dig on The Beatles' classic "Let It Be", but Bob sang it in melody to the latter song. This provided me with a deep and powerful series of thoughts, as I allowed the blood to seep and pour and closed my eyes, waiting for death's door to paradoxically travel its way to me.
I could feel a Charlie Chaplin mustache growing on me. I was getting a little shorter, somehow. Violent thoughts about various groups of people began to fill my mind. But I... I wasn't going to let it be realized.
As I let out my last breath... I knew I had done the right thing.