I was always a fan of wrestling, but there’s an episode of the WWF wrestling program that I regret watching. I was always a nice kid. Quiet, reserved. Truthfully, twizzlers and Goya brand soda was the only guilty pleasures I had in life. Well, that and wrestling. I know, you think wrestling is lame, and phony. But when I was a kid, my uncle used to take me behind the playground in his underwear and teach me how he did his best wrestling moves.
Before I tell you anything else about me, you should know that I am… a doctor. I’m pretty fucking intelligent. I spent four years in college, four years in medical school and four years in post residency only to have it all ruined during one split second of poor judgement on my part. You see, I’m not just any kind of doctor. I’m a proctologist. I spent eight years of my fucking life studying anuses of all shapes and sizes.
Now I know what you’re thinking- what’s a proctologist doing talking about lost episodes? Well, as it turns out I was on my lunch break. I was having a large salami sub covered in hot mustard after having just saved a man’s life, being a doctor. The salami was quite salty, so I needed refreshment in the form of bubbly soft drinks. I was drinking a doctor pepper because it is the drink of choice when you are a doctor. At least I don’t mountain dew salt for a fucking living. What does that mean? Who cares, I’m a doctor.
Anyway, it’s hard saving lives. I had just finished surgically cutting a man’s ass open and removing an obstruction. Believe it or not, it was a VHS tape. Now I already know what you’re thinking- how did a VHS tape get lodged in a man’s ass? Evidently this guy was a huge fan of the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire and he was practicing dance moves when he slipped on a virtual boy console that had every game for it including Wario’s Pancake Adventure and Waterworld in HD. Now, normally we’d place the obstructions in surgical trays and hand them off to the police so that they could analyze for possible murder clues. But this obstruction was…different. As the nurse came in I told her that he had eaten too many skittles and that was how he died. She informed me that the patient was still alive. I removed his IV, scattered some skittles around his buttcheeks and left the office.
Now I’ve always been a huge wrestling fan. It was seeing those sweaty men in tights and leopard print leotards fumbling around while grinding their genitals that inspired me to enter the medical profession. But this tape…was different. Maybe it’s because it had been in someone’s ass, or maybe it was because someone had written “Fuck you, you stupid fucking doctor” in marker on the front of it. I stopped at Mcdonald’s on the way home and tried ordering a McRib sandwich, but they were out. I asked them to give me several mcchickens and squeeze them into a mcrib shaped patty, but they refused. I informed them that I was a fucking doctor and I would give them all cancer if they didn’t proceed with my plans.
As I strolled up to the front of the drive through window on my tricycle (I never learned to drive or ride a bicycle and the bus is dangerous because I live in the inner city streets of harlem) I demanded my mcribs. I gave them a disheveled, angry cancer stare and they piled mountains of mcribs onto my tricycle. I ordered my second doctor pepper and tricycled back to my $5,000,000 apartment, mcribs and VHS in tow. I noticed, from the corner of my eye, that there was a professional wrestler following my tricycle. I was driving down the sidewalk and he was following me with his car. What concerned me was that he was following me on the sidewalk, knocking over bushes, mailboxes and lampposts while slowly following me. I thought nothing of it, knowing that wrestlers are known to be quite devious on their holiday of choice, Cinco De Mayo. And what do you know, today was Cinco De Mayo.
I took off my doctor’s coat (I’m a doctor) and set up the piñata for two children to play with. I provided them with the festive piñata stick and told them to be careful because the large papier mache model of their father’s head was full of contraceptive sponges and dirty syringes. I don’t have children, but I live alone and I call my dogs my children. My dogs stood there on their hind legs. One was wearing a baseball cap and the other, sausage shaped dog was playing the piano. Oh, what fun tricks I taught them during medical school. I gave them beggin’ strips, a special bacon made for dogs, and ate some myself. This didn’t taste like bacon at all. I felt strong disappointment but now it’s time for the VHS!
I went over to the VHS tape player and pushed the lost WWF episode into the slot. I immediately heard a man screaming outside “Give me that fucking VHS or I will break you into two pieces!” I looked outside to see only two Bushes, and I’m not talking about U.S. presidents. I’m talking about foliage. But something professional wrestler shaped was hiding in the bushes. It may even have been a professional wrestler. It could also have been two normal wrestlers or three midgets glued together with a leotard on, but I thought nothing of it. I had a VHS tape to watch. As the bushes continued to threaten to beat me up, I watched the tape. Wait a minute. Bushes can’t threaten.
I pressed play, being a huge fan of the old VHS library. I’m a bit of a VHS aficionado. I have all the lost episodes. Wall to wall. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have watched this VHS. It appeared to be a more recent WWF episode, with all of my favorite wrestlers in hot spandex getting ready to beat each other up. Now I was told wrestling was fake. I never believed it. How can something like that be fake? No, wrestling is real because I say it is and I am a real doctor.
The first wrestler came out to thunderous applause. He was a wrestler I wasn’t familiar with. The announcer announced him. “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear a big round of applause for Comic Sans “The Man” Hernandez! The audience roared rather loudly as a nude Mexican man walked down the center platform toward the ring while the audience cheered rather loudly. He gave them all the middle finger and gyrated his ballsack toward the audience. They continued to cheer but they also threw soda at him. Some weird jalopy Hispanic music was playing like the kind you’d hear outside of a burrito cart in Little Havana. “And here to take him on, representing the struggle for border control in current American society, please welcome-“ The announcer was cut off by gagging. It was Hulk Hogan, the famous professional wrestler, or it looked kind of like him, but more sinister. “Announce my fist in your ass!” He yelled, and flexed his muscles. He looked more sinister. His veins were popping out of his neck and his skin was orange. His handlebar mustache flared. “I’m gonna fuck all of you up!” He yelled at the audience.
“YOU SEE THIS VHS TAPE?!” he yelled, holding up a VHS tape. “I’M GONNA SHOVE THIS SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT NOT EVEN THE BEST PROCTOLOGIST IN THE WORLD WILL BE ABLE TO REMOVE IT” It seemed strange that the wrestler would threaten a man by shoving a VHS in his ass. Wait a minute. It was the very VHS tape I was watching.
Personally, I was rooting for Comic Sans Hernandez. Hulk Hogan entered the ring. I now noticed that many people filling the seats looked like common garden variety Halloween skeletons you’d find at Walmart for $6.99. Some of them even had the price tag still on them. “You’re gonna be the skeleton when I fist your asshole and pull your skeleton through your asshole!” He yelled, pointing through the television, at me. “THEY’RE GONNA WEAR YOUR SKIN LIKE A CHASTITY BELT AS I POUND YOUR FUCKING FACE IN YOU GODDAMN NERD!” I was really offended by all this yelling. “I’M GONNA MAKE THEM WEAR YOUR SKIN TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY, THEY CAN COME DRESSED AS THE NERD, AND ALSO PART OF YOUR SKIN WILL BE THE CHASTITY BELT.” I fucking get it, I thought. Enough already. “NO ONE WILL HANG AROUND THE PERSON WEARING YOUR SKIN AT THE PARTY-“ I went over to shut the tape off, Hulk Hogan was clearly rambling. “SHUT THIS FUCKING TAPE OFF, AND I’LL SHUT YOUR DICK OFF WITH MY FIST!” he yelled. His hand seemed to be coming out of the television in some weird 3D effect! I screamed and jumped back. He grabbed at my cock, but I was several inches from the TV so he couldn’t reach. What an amazing visual trick. I looked at the VHS tape and now noticed that this was made by Pixar. In fact, most of the Toy Story characters were in the front row of the wrestling match, drinking and promoting Mountain Dew Products for the upcoming Pixar film “Dew.” An endearing CGI movie about a drop of mountain dew that is underappreciated by a throat.
Comic Sans “The Man” Hernandez picked up a chair and smashed it on Hulk Hogan’s head. He fell down with a visual bloody bump and started crying. “Chairs.” He cried. “My one weakness.” I was starting to get disturbed now, more disturbed than I’d ever been watching WWF wrestling. I looked out the window. Whoever was in the bushes was throwing plastic spiders at me in an attempt to spook me. It was working, tears began to stream down my face. I went back to watching. Hulk Hogan lay in a pool of his own blood, mumbling. “YOUR BALLS ARE MINE, WHEN I RIP THEM OFF, IT’S GONNA BE YOU THAT’S DRINKING HIS OWN BLOOD AND GURGHHRHHHF” he had swallowed his own tongue. “TAK MY TONE YOU TOT TIT TOTASW~” Comic Sans The Man showboated his skills to the Toy Story characters to thunderous applause as an ambulance drove through the building, killing several people to reach the stage.
He ripped off his pubic merkin, revealing the words “I WINNER!” scrawled in comic sans font. But then something evil and sinister started to happen. Hundreds of hands began to reach toward the stage. They were…celebrating Cinco De Mayo. They threw Mexican cuisine onto the stage. Chilis relennos, mole sauce and even tamales began to envelope the screen as Hulk Hogan lay there, dead. A tiny chimpanzee jumped onto the set and started shaking maracas. My dogs began to dance. My dachshund swayed to the music, smiling at me, my son.
My phone rang. “I’m in the bushes.” The voice said. It sounded rather wrestlish, like a professional wrestler of sorts. “If you ever want to see your children again, you’d better give me that goddamn VHS tape...i LOOKED AT THE WINDOW! MY TWO CHILDREN! THEY HAD BEEN KIDNAPPED. A trail of beggin’ strips led two feet across the grass. My two dachshund sons Stephan and Stefan’ were dangling like hot dogs over a vat of boiling hot mustard. “I’m gonna cook these dogs up real good…like those MCRIB SANDWICHES YOU ATE EARLIER!” He yelled, revealing he had been following me in a shocking twist.
“HOW’S THIS FOR A SURGICAL PROCEDURE!” he yelled, and ripped off the yellow spandex of his pants. He had shoved an entire donkey up his ass. “Y’ KNOW DOC, THEY SAY LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE!” The donkey began to laugh at me. In his ass. I looked at my doctor’s diploma. It was just Denny’s placemat I had scrawled on with a crayon. I had wasted eight years of my life getting an unaccredited degree in Peurto Vallarta, Mexico. Now I remembered. The patient we were operating on…it was Comic Sans “The Man” Hernandez, a nudist prison convict from General Escobeda, New Mexico. So the VHS was real, I mean of course it was, given how high quality the video was. No amount of CG in the world could make wrestling look real. “No.” Hogan said. “My wrestling’s not real, and you’re not a real doctor. These aren’t even real bushes.” I looked down. They were plastic bushes he had strategically purchased at Walgreens to trap me. His eyes grew blood red and blood began to drip from his face. So disheveled was Mr. Hogan that he grabbed me and bent me over. He pulled out a buzz lightyear action figure. “TO INFINITY… AND BEYOND!” I screamed bloody murder as the plastic buzz lightyear toy went straight up my ass. As I began to pass out, I leered over, at that car that had been following me. Someone was filming from the front seat using an old camcorder with a pop-out VHS tape. “Let’s see how Comic Sans Hernandez gets out of this one.” Hulk Hogan laughed. “They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away!” He laughed, and bit into an apple. “Laughter is the best medicine!” He laughed loudly. He already used that one. “So I said rectum’? I nearly killed him!” Hulk Hogan laughed as I swallowed my tongue. My dachsunds began to cry as they were slowly lowered into the hot mustard and immolated to death. Well hot dog.