Some say that there is a lost episode of whose line is it anyway that is so scary, so shocking, that it will knock your socks off and send your own dick up through your intestinal tract and out of your mouth. There are some who say that it is so scary that even the youngins who watch the popperfin tv shows about the frogs and dancing bananas think it’s “the tops.” That’s an idiom, for an idiot. I’m not insulting you. Dear friend, lover of fine programs, purveyor of quality television, commander of the quality programming they call Whose Line is It Anyway, there is an episode that is indeed, so scary.
For friend, I have seen it and I have lived to tell the tale. Now friend, dear oh friend pal-o fuckin pal. You remember the other stories right? The really, REALLY scary ones? Well this one is scarier. It’s scarier than a mountain of demonic spiders carrying switchblades and tap dancing to your favorite rollickin’ hairdo funkstyle rock tune of the days. The days. Was I scared? Did it scare me? Who the fuck cares, I regularly purchase mountain dew products.
Now listen, you son of a bitch, I’m afraid of a lot of things. Leaky faucets, strange shadows on my bedroom wall, 9/11 freemasons, all of the Monkees, most shampoo bottles and the general feeling of malaise that comes over 20 years of working in middle management, jacking off to deer porn and playing beer pong alone on the floor of a TGI Fridays while your flubbery smelly douchebag worn ripped Metallica t-shirt with holes in it and you shit talk people but then flip it around when you know they’re listening because you wanted to be a rockstar but instead you’re just a worm-faced media marketing lawyer and your entire miserable life is a sham. But perhaps I am getting a head.
Mark it on your calendar: Never the 21st and go away. Please keep listening. The story is terrifying, but it may one day help you find the meaning of life. And that meaning: is quality television written by a man with a heart of gold. Drow Corey. Carey.
Anyway, I initially acquired the VHS by entering into a sweepstakes to see who could shove his dick up his own asshole far enough. Just kidding, that’s a joke in my parts. Rural Tennatanamontesee. J/k lol, hearts and unicorns. 9/11 peace kittens and balloons.
The episode started like Normal, with Drew Carey introducing his ragtag team of improv comics one by one. What I first found strange was the Colin Mockery was dead. At least he appeared to be. He was really smelly and covered in flies and not moving much. Drew Cary took out a weird vial of white powder and snorted it. “Welcome to whose line is it anyway, where everything is made up, I’m a liar and full of shit.” Then he laughed to himself.
This was kind of hard to watch. The weird thing was that the audience was laughing. I think this was kind of a rehearsal of sorts. It was weird because when Drew turned around you could see a zipper coming out of the back of his neck! A line seemed to lead down into his shirt but then you couldn’t see because clothing.
“Now we’re gonna play a game called scenes from a hat.” Then he picked up a hat. Then he put it down. Then he picked it up again. Then something strange happened. Something that would shock you if it weren’t so funny. Wait- reverse that. Something that would make you laugh if it weren’t so shocking.
Drew put the hat on. “No games today.” The audience laughed uproariously and the four of them got up. Wait, three of them. Colin was dead. “Scenes are- unlikely superheroes!”
What Ryan Stiles said next really shocked me. “It’s me! Your father that never loved you!” And then he hugged the camera.
“Now we’re gonna play that game where someone acts dead and we move his body around!” “Acts dead?” Said one of them. And the audience laughed uproariously. “These suits are really starting to itch.” Drew said. “The fatsuit. I’m wearing…a fatsuit!” Ryan turned around and I could also see a tag around his neck. But people don’t wear skin suits! They wear suits on their skin!
They picked up colin and began making him do horrible positions while the audience laughed uproariously. Colin would’ve looked disheveled if he wasn’t so dead.
“Ok guys calm down. The real show’s going to start soon.” The audience laughed uproariously. “Hey- get this- whose SPINE is it anyway?” Ryan twisted 360 degrees and his neck elongated by 12 inches. The clothes was wearing ripped and began to buckle. “Damn, I ruined this one.” A weird black hand came out of Ryan’s skin and began to drip some weird black fluid that would’ve been blood if it wasn’t so black. The dressing room people came out and unzipped his skin suit- and I’ll tell you, what I saw under there wasn’t pretty. I know you wouldn’t believe me anyway, but there was a lot under there. Not one specific thing, but a bunch of coagulated carbonic junk all collected together. Broken baseball bats from angry family gatherings. Shattered glass. Cubic zirconia wedding rings. Chipped dishes. The smell of rotting scrambled eggs. Bent fenders, broken radios and hand cuffs. And underneath all of it, connected at the center, was something else. Something I couldn’t describe in words. Something you’d have to improvise through actions. It might have been a tiny skull or screaming flowers, or maybe a dead fetus with diamond eyes, but something red also. But it was obscured by the clouds that were now filling the room because the pores in the suit were emitting smoke as they broke down like shiny diamonds and Christmas presents.
Then drew took a 20 pound piece of unknown flesh out of the fatsuit and threw the bloody chunks at the audience. “Chum day!” He yelled. “It’s chum day!” The audience clapped and laughed and opened their mouth like hungry otters and skittered around, fighting each other over the jellybeans that escaped his dirty subordinate pock mouth.
If you ever watch the show, you’ll probably notice they’re wearing suits. That’s the improv. They’re playing humans. If you’ve seen Drew Carey recently, you’ll probably noticed he lost a whole lot of weight with no explanation. And it happened almost instantaneously. Some say that if you look in the background of newer episodes of The Price is Right, you’ll see Old Drew’s skin sitting in the audience, smilin’ away.