Original author unknown.
What is the most expensive commodity in the world? Is it Gold or Platinum? Not even close. Perhaps Diamonds, then? Or could it be an isotope or molecular compound which is incredibly difficult to produce, but serves little to no practical purpose? Perhaps I led you in the wrong direction. Perhaps it’s not a precious metal, after all, but a medicinal substance, such as cocaine or heroin or methamphetamine. Maybe some really, really fine cannabis? Close, but no cigar. Technically, the most expensive substance in the world is Antimatter. Just one gram of this exotic material will set you back sixty trillion American dollars—if you can even find a seller, that is. As far as investors are concerned, coming in at a distant second place at $250 million per gram, a substance most commonly known as The Hermit’s Essence (“THE”) takes the throne for the most expensive commodity on the market. What is this THE stuff, you ask? Scientifically speaking, it is the extract of Panax Athanasius, a species of herbaceous plant in the Araliaceae family, a close but much rarer cousin of ginseng. Commercially speaking, it is the key ingredient of Animaformin, the only drug in the world proven to slow the aging process and indefinitely* extend the lifespan of its user. *Until they run out of money, of course. There are many wealthy individuals around the world who are taking Animaformin. To name a few: Jack Taylor, Kirk Kerkorian, David René de Rothschild, Queen Elizabeth II, David Rockefeller, and, until recently, Sir Run Run Shaw who discontinued usage of the drug at the age of 106 due to issues with financing. Now before you ask your financial advisor about stocking up on these, I should mention that it is illegal to produce this substance in almost every country in the world. Safe to say, you will not find an ETF for this substance on any stock exchange. There are only two countries in the world where these herbs are known to grow: Tibet and Vietnam. The good news is that the extract is not difficult to produce if you can get your hands on some of those plants. The bad news is that according to a recent study, 99.994% of the world’s panax athanasius have already been harvested or extirpated. These plants take 400 years to grow, so don’t bother waiting around, either. So why am I telling you all this? You see, I am a spokesperson for Animaformin. But wait, don’t close this page yet! I realize that most of you do not have $60 million a month to spend on immortality. Here is the good news for you: We are currently conducting phase I clinical testing for a new product based on the Animaformin formula, but with a synthetic version of THE. Only 100 participants are needed for this phase of the trial, so time is ticking! In order to be eligible, you must be a healthy adult between the ages of 19 to 100. You will be flown to our facility in Saigon, Vietnam where the studies will be conducted over a period of 14 days. Additionally, you will receive free health insurance over the duration of the ten-year extended monitoring period. Not bad, huh? Lastly, I am obliged to inform you of the risks and possible side-effects of this clinical trial. The following side-effects are commonly experienced among participants during Phase I trial: loss of vision, loss of hearing, paralysis, organ failure(s) and dementia. Side-effects also experienced among test subjects, but on a much rarer basis: severe hallucinations, growth of extra limbs, detaching of fingernails, rotting of flesh, ingrown hair and spontaneous combustion. Survival rate of the Phase I clinical trial is currently estimated at 22%. But hey, don’t let a few possible side-effects discourage you from this once in a lifetime opportunity! If you wish to participate in the trial, please contact us by email at firstname.lastname@example.org or by phone at 1-866-IMMORTAL. Don’t delay, sign up for your chance at immortality TODAY